A Sad Pattern

[rabid1st]

The unexamined life might not be worth living, but the examined life is rather depressing in its sad patterns.

A reader, ladycat713 , asked me if I ever wrote anything more on my Buffy/Spike story The Sweet Spot AU. This story was very rich and promising, much like my BSG story Minotaur or Like Gum On Your Shoe, from the Doctor/Rose fandom. All of these stories were abandoned because I simply lost the thrill I'd taken in their respective shows. Also, none of them were particularly close to their end. They were just starting out when the ax fell on their fandoms for me.

I have always had trouble stretching my credulity around fanfiction. For example, some people can write whatever they like...Buffy is an English Teacher and Angel is an inner city cop with magical powers...and make it work for them in fiction. But to me, I have to believe that the characters I see on the show could in some way be the ones in my fic. So, if the Doctor doesn't appear to love Martha, I can't invest my time and energy in creating a story dependent on him loving her. If Buffy turns out to be a childish loser, I don't want her to be with Spike anymore, so I find the Spuffy has no magic for me.

This is why I can't write (or read) a lot of slash pairings, because I can't bring myself to imagine a world where they might happen. Well, I could, but it wouldn't be the same world where the show happens. Of course, I can put together a world where the Doctor loves Martha, but I wouldn't be able to work in the show as it aired. I would have to say, let's pretend there is an alternate Doctor Who, one I wouldn't watch and...now, convince me to watch it. Some writers probably could convince me, but it would be a very hard thing for them to do. On the other hand, Wincest, which doesn't particularly turn me on and would, in reality, be abhorrent to me, is still, in my view, certainly a possibility in the world of Supernatural. So, I could write it or read it and feel I was enjoying the show in an alternative form.

But, back to what my pattern of dropping fic says about me. Basically, it says that I want to enjoy the work. I love to write, but it is a life-consuming task (it literally leaves me drained) and I want to be able to fully believe in what I'm writing. If I lose that edge of excitement, that love of the show (its characters; its world), I lose my drive to finish.

And I think this may also affect my original writing. I have the makings of about six novels on my computer. I return to these stories over and over again, but I find that I can't sustain a passion for any of them that rivals my passion for...let's say...Ten/Rose. I think, for me, the secret of my fanfiction success lies in my passion for a particular story or coupling. Once the passion is gone, the thrill of it all is over and I seldom finish those stories. So, far, my original worlds are not as compelling to me as the ones I see on TV. I suppose I should spend more time in my original worlds. And hope that I can sustain my interest in them.

Finishing Disheveled, was in some ways, pure luck, because I firmly believed that Rose was coming back after Doomsday. If I hadn't finished before Journey's End, I am sure Disheveled would have languished in the same way that my BTVS epic Ichnobate did. Ichnobate was almost finished. I had maybe four or five chapters to go on it...and those were the best chapters, the pay-off. Then, the show tanked for me...and I just couldn't go on writing something that was not just uninspiring but actually painful to write.

Rae
who knows that she has let a lot of people down by needing to feel the thrill of writing rather than face the fact that sometimes it is a slog to the end.

Comments

[wickedgillie.livejournal.com]

I can understand why you got stalled, but I'll mourn for the potential of those fics all the same. I loved where they were going and all the things they could have been.

I wonder--is there a way you can jump-start passion in fic? Certainly, people keep marriages going and rediscover why they fell in love. Not that I'm trying to be selfish here, but maybe it's something to think about for all of your languishing fics, including your non-fanfic writing. I suppose the larger part of that, though, would actually be *wanting* to reclaim the passion. If you don't want to, then that's that.

Sorry for musing semi-aloud. This is a problem that interests me as well since I often get stuck.

[rabid1st.livejournal.com]

No, I think you are right. I do toy with the idea of rekindling the passion for some of my work. Minotaur and Ichnobate are ones that still call to me, because the stories were going so well. And I really want to write Wild Geese 2...because it is a strong story idea and could still work in some ways.

I am not sure I could really finish Sweet Spot AU at this point. It has a long way to go in it. And I would need to go back and find my voice for BtVS and AtS again. You lose the speech patterns of the characters after a time. And, as you say, I don't necessarily WANT to return to the Buffyverse. It is not a happy place for me. Moff, thankfully, has made the Whoverse a nice place again. Not so much with his own characters and stories, but with his meddling creating temporal loopholes for me and my fellow ficwriters.

Really, I feel that I can't justify passion for fanfiction when my own work needs my attention. It is rather like I have a passionless marriage at home and the affairs aren't fulfilling me, to continue your marriage metaphor. Maybe the secret is to be fulfilled by the sense of completion rather than by the heady thrill of it all. Maybe there are other rewards beyond the visceral?

Rae
peering at adulthood with some suspicion. :grin:

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

When I was doing scanlations of Japanese fan comics what kept me going was the happy voices whenever I published a finished chapter. When I did not feel well getting that praise was able to tide me over and get another chapter done in reasonable time... my last project is taking me over 2 years already though... I tried to pick it up again and then fell out of it once again. But it keeps nagging in my head as something unfinished... so I'll finish it, otherwise that voice will never stop.

[sensiblecat.livejournal.com]

Well, if RTD had deprived us of Disheveled we'd have yet another reason to hate him.

I see it quite differently. It's the compromise story that tends to get made, for all kinds of reasons. But the beauty of fan fiction is its potential to take us AU. Almost anything in the Whoniverse can be bent into canon, anyway, because really it is a multiverse, and as you've pointed out before, it's quite possible to integrate original Ten/Rose into the continuity, just that it has to be off-screen.

I see it as a duty to fix what RTD broke. However, I can understand all to well if the level of emotional investment you put into the original show leaves you drained and it's too painful to return to that 'verse.

As for the fanfic/original fic dichotomy, I think all the fanfic people write is incredibly revealing anyway, it shows their hopes, dreams, fantasies and fears, and that can only be cathartic and valuable creatively. It's just a shame that it can rarely if ever be published.

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

I think, for me, the secret of my fanfiction success lies in my passion for a particular story or coupling. Once the passion is gone, the thrill of it all is over

You and lots of people. :) I know I get the pull to write fic when I'm just so holy crap INTO a setting and pairing. And when that wanes... well, I haven't written any Ten/Rose fics longer than 1000 words since Journey's End. Except for a fixit. And I can think of at least one other author who also lost most of her zeal for the pairing after JE, so you're not exactly weird with the canon-ruined-my-fanon thing.

ETA: For some reason, I can still write Ten/Jack/Rose for some reason. Maybe because it was already something of a stretch from canon? But I still end up punishing Ten in it...

[asahifirsa.livejournal.com]

One of my first connections with fandom was Sailor Moon and one of the fanfic writers there took down all of her novel-long stories because she got a book deal re-writing them with "original" characters" and a slightly changed setting. They still were basically the same :)

Not sure if that's a path you'd be able to take, i.e. take characters you love and pretty much make an A.U. but keep what you like up the specific characters, make them your own.

My only original work never went over the introduction and first chapter. When I lost the first chapter I never had the strength to start over again...