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rabid1stWhat Wild Geese Know
by Rabid1st
Doctor Who AU
Doctor/Rose
Spoilers: A bit of S3, Last of the Time Lords
Betas: Measi and Keswindhover
Challenge: This is another answer to the challenge of first time sex where the Doctor isn't a sex god.
Summary: A post reunion story...taking off from the canon premise that the Doctor and Rose never had sex during their travels. All events through Last of the Time Lords apply.
Disclaimer: I do not own nor have any right to use these characters. I wrote this for my own amusement and the amusement of my friends and expect no compensation of any kind.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
-by Mary Oliver
Part One
It took the Doctor over nine hundred years to learn what the wild geese knew instinctively--how to find his way home.
Twelve seconds into the life he thought he could never have he told Rose Tyler he loved her.
A minute and a half later they had shared their first kiss and she had, once again, promised him forever.
Now, bag over his shoulder, coat-tails flaring behind him, he hurried along toward his place in the family of things.
When Rose took his hand into the cradle of hers, the soft animal of his body spoke. It asked for comfort and release. He intended to give in to those pleas, to give his body what it had been craving since it came into being. It felt strange to him, responding to those muted internal cries. He was used to denying their existence. As a Time Lord, he'd been trained to ignore his physical needs. Time Lords lived in their heads. When a body mewed or winced they cast it aside without regret, like an old shoe worn past mending. Time Lords did not ache. They suffered no wasting indignities, harbored no regrets. They regenerated. They moved on. The price they paid for never dying was never truly living, never knowing love or comfort. The Doctor had shrugged away nine bodies in distress, but not this one.
Through this body he'd become intimate with longing and infirmity. This body had lived with wasting illness. It had known hunger and grief. It had wept and shivered and crawled. This body had endured the Master's trials. A Time Lord to the core, the Master had seriously underestimated this body's tenacity. He had expected to win when he'd played his trump card of old age. He had expected regeneration and capitulation. But the Doctor had gone on fighting.
Crippled and caged, withered into helplessness, he'd focused on Rose, drawing on her strength when his own failed. He had imagined her facing an illness with her general bravado. He had imagined her wasting away, wilting, crumbling into a handful of dust. Rose's eventual death became a reality for him, something he could accept. Weary and worn, he had turned to her people on the Earth below and asked for their help. Any one of them was braver than any of his kind. Humans were willing to chance, willing to feel, able to comfort one another despite their fragile, all too short, lives. Until that year in captivity, he hadn't truly appreciated their spirit, their capacity for love.
Now he did. More than that, he knew he could cope with losing Rose one day, but only if he had something tangible to cling to when she was gone. They didn't have forever. They had her lifetime. He needed to act on his desires, brave his fears and give his body what it loved while there was still time.
“It's just there,” Rose said, pointing across the street at a high-rise building. “Number 21, on the sixteenth floor.”
Scarcely glancing up, he angled his body into hers. Head tilted down, he beamed at her. “Torchwood pays well.”
She squeezed his hand. “Not that well,” she said, with a grin of her own and a bounce into his shoulder. “It belongs to Tyler International. It's the company flat, but Dad lets me stay here when I'm in London.”
Her father - excellent place to start rebuilding their rapport. “How is old Pete Tyler these days?”
“Fine. Wonderful. And Mum. She's going to be so happy to see you.”
“That'll be a change.”
“No, it won't,” she countered, nudging him with an elbow as they navigated though double doors into a very swanky lobby. Ignored by the reception desk and security guard, Rose towed him toward a bank of lifts. “She misses you terribly. Remember how she used to kiss you silly whenever we came home? You know she loves you.” There was a slight catch in her voice as she lifted her chin. He found himself suddenly breathless, sinking into those starry eyes. “I lo...,” she began, but he silenced her with a finger to the lips. They were soft lips, parting slightly to his gentle pressure.
“Quite right,” he whispered. He held her gaze, all the way in, as he leaned close to brush her cheek with his, adding, “I know and you know.”
Touching her made his blood sing. This, his body said, this is what I need. Say it. Tell her. Take charge. He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come. The tips of his fingers drifted, along the bow of her lips, across her cheek and down the curve of her throat. Her lashes fluttered closed, veiling her eyes as he drew back. She wanted a kiss. Some signals were easy to read. Her lips were moist, pink and slightly puckered. He'd kissed humans before. He could do this.
Skimming his fingers to the nape of her neck, he settled his other hand near her mid-back. Through her sweater and shirt, he could feel the play of her muscles under his palm. He told himself to kiss her, kiss her repeatedly. He longed to take her against the wall. He wanted to feel her squirming under him, but her sexual signals left him floundering. If only they were on Gallifrey, if only it were mating season. He drew in a tremulous breath. They were so close now, so close to getting it right. Rose opened her eyes when the lift dinged and they both grew self-conscious. Separating slightly, they stepped into the small, dimly lit cabin. He tried to relax as Rose pushed the button for her floor. Relaxation was key.
She whirled to seize him and he sighed in relief, burying his face in the curve of her neck. They held on to one another on the ride up, letting go only when they disembarked. Feeling bereft without her arms around him, the Doctor tried and failed to rein in his nervous energy as he waited for Rose to unlock the apartment door. He shifted his bag from shoulder to shoulder to floor. His hands told him they were lonely. Jamming them into his trouser pockets, he rocked back and forth, heel to toe, toe to heel, studying the pristinely elegant hallway while Rose fumbled with her keys. He didn't want to rush her, didn't want to seem too eager. Though he was eager, trembling in anticipation of the night to come. Rose trembled, too. He noticed her fingers shaking as she shuffled through the many choices on the keyring.
He found her fidgets charming. Of course, he found everything about her charming. The cut of her trousers. The tilt of her head. The pink tip of her tongue at the corner of the smile she favored him with as she darted a nervous glance his way. He wanted to soothe her, to tell her it would all be okay, but he wasn't sure it would. He'd never done anything like this before. Oh, he'd danced. He'd followed a human to a room and on, through a door. He'd laid down beside one of Rose's kind, given pleasure and been pleasured in return. He'd fathered children on the Rani and on two other wives. But he'd never made love to anyone. Not once in nine hundred years.
Long before the Time War, his people had given up lovemaking. Intimacy of any kind required certain conditions. And he wasn't precisely sure how to go about replicating those conditions with Rose. How could he begin to express everything he felt for her without the assistance of pheromones or telepathy? Could he make love to her using only his body? The magnitude of the task threatened to overwhelm his nerves again.
Recalling Earth's romantic books and films to mind gave him no solace. Courtship rituals had gone the way of the horse and carriage by Rose's time. He knew her contemporaries surrendered to their sexual urges without much preamble, but even if he had the capacity, it would never do to leap on his beloved Rose like some randy sailor making port after a long voyage. She might want him to, of course. Might expect it even. That was a disheartening thought. What if they simply couldn't connect in a way that would satisfy them both? What if she wanted something more, different, less...alien? He would accommodate her, he supposed, go through the motions as he'd done with other human lovers. Anything to be with her, stay together for the rest of her life.
“At last,” Rose declared. The lock turned and the door swung smoothly inward.
A puff of distinctly Rose-scented air enveloped him, wiping every worry from his mind. The signature aroma lifted the hairs on his forearms. He shivered like some wild animal scenting a mate. Perfumed cosmetics layered sweetness above the pungent undertone of peroxide and her unique musk. His knees buckled as the mix of scents wafted by his nose. For one dizzy moment, he thought he might faint from a giddy head-rush of happiness. He leaned his shoulder into the door frame for stability and inhaled deep. This was what home smelled like. It smelled like Rose.
He hadn't realized how faint her trace had become over time, how it had faded from her clothing and her room in the TARDIS. Scenting it fresh brought a flood of sweet memories to mind. He lost himself in sensual pleasure for a moment, drinking in the aroma. Rose, he knew, wouldn't thank him for mentioning her body odor. Humans were funny about perspiration and pheromones. But some of the dearest moments in his long life were redolent with this scent. If he could have synthesized Eau de Rose Tyler during her time away, he would have bathed in it every night.
Rose had stepped over the threshold to turn on a light. His hesitation caused her to look back at him. “Are you coming in?”
“Oh, yes,” he breathed.
Shaking off the dizzying effects of her heady perfume, he flowed around the door frame, slinking ferret-like into the foyer. He felt safer close to the wall, less exposed. Rose gently shut and latched the door behind him. Our door, he thought, reaching backward to touch his fingertips to the varnished white surface. Feeling suddenly trapped, he whirled about to look out the peep hole, marveling at the fish-eye view. Smaller on the inside. Rose tossed her keys at a ceramic bowl on the entryway table. The clatter brought his head around. The keys had landed on top of a few letters, some pens and a corkscrew. She had a place for keys. He settled his shoulder bag to the floor, reached into an inner pocket and produced his TARDIS key. Peering into the bowl, he carefully positioned his key across Rose's, before swirling the chain down in a spiral on top.
“Settling in?” Rose asked, beaming at him.
He returned her grin, and then let his gaze sweep the foyer. At the far end of it a mirror reflected their images, creating an illusion of greater space. Momentarily preoccupied by his reflection, he combed his fingers though his hair, trying to tame it. It only grew more tousled. Giving up, he turned his attention to studying a geometric painting of a tea service which hung above the bowl with their keys. A framed photo of the Tyler family and single glove also graced the gate-legged table. He checked in the table's lone drawer for the other glove, before filing the mystery away for later.
A pair of Wellingtons leaned against an umbrella stand just off the welcome mat. The boots reminded him of the wet sand on his shoes. Sand from another universe, he thought, as he stepped back onto the mat to wipe his feet. Shoes tidied he followed Rose onto the maple-stained hardwood floor. She stood facing the wall opposite the small table, where three brass coat hooks formed a regimented line at eye-level. A yellow slicker occupied one hook. Rose added her purse to another, leaving one hook unclaimed.
Standing at her shoulder, he softly murmured, “A place for my coat. My coat has a place.”
“If you like,” Rose said, without any fuss or emphasis.
“Could I leave it lying about?” he asked, cocking a challenging brow at her. “Toss it down somewhere?”
A twinkle of delight danced in her eyes, but she matched his serious tone. “I don't see why not.”
He sniffed, holding her gaze for a moment before shifting to consider the hook anew. Arms crossed, he lifted his chin to stare down his nose. “I used to have a hat rack with hooks,” he remarked. “Two of them. Hat racks not hooks. I used to wear hats.”
When Rose rolled her eyes, he decided to give up on explaining. He shrugged free of his coat and carefully settled it on the hook. It looked very comfortable hanging there.
“Coat on hook. Keys in bowl. Feet wiped clean.” He beamed at Rose. “What's next?”
She shook her head, but grinned as she made for the first door on their right. He held back, looking along the divergent hall toward two other doorways. A loo and a bedroom, he thought.
“Would you like a coffee?” Rose asked. “Or some tea?”
“Nothing, thanks.” He touched a hand to his stomach, just above the one jacket button still fastened. “Alternative dimension hopping always leaves me a bit queasy.”
That far doorway called to him. He had to know if he'd guessed correctly. Darting along the passage to peek, he discovered the bedroom he'd expected and a master bath. The neatly made bed was low and wide and wore lovely white linens. Someone, not Rose he felt sure, had folded a blue comforter in a triangle across the foot of the bed and there were sprigs of lavender on the pillows. This was the place, tonight was the night. No human DNA to assist him. No amnesia. No post-regenerative zeal. His pulse skipped dramatically. He had no idea if he could carry through on his implied promises to Rose. But sooner or later, he'd be put to the test in this room.
Lips pursed in thought, he contemplated the headboard and bedside tables, all stained a light butterscotch color to match the dresser and wardrobe. Despite the neatly made bed, the room had a lived-in feel about it. Perfume lingered in the air. Bottles and jars vied for room on the dresser top. The wardrobe doors, standing slightly ajar, afforded him a glimpse of Rose's disarrayed clothing. Stockings dangled out of drawers. She'd scattered her shoes about, several meters separating one matched pair. He remembered this chaos well. Rose had a fine disregard for her belongings. He was very much the same. They suited one another.
“Do you have wine?” he yelled over his shoulder.
“I might. Red?” When he failed to answer, she came to the hall to prompt him. “Doctor?”
“Anything,” he said quietly, sauntering out of the bedroom. He edged past her to retrieve his bag.
“What were you doing?”
“Exploring,” he said. Jutting his chin to indicate the bedroom, he asked, “Do you mind if I unpack? Toothbrush? Jimjams and so on?”
Rose looked as if she'd never even considered he might stay the night. Her eyes widened and her lips parted but no sound came out. Finally, something he could reasonably take for assent squeaked past her vocal cords. He waited for no further encouragement.
“Back in a jiffy,” he told her and dashed away.
Rose barely hesitated before following him. Her footfalls sounded tentative, as if she were sneaking up behind him. Stealth sent the wrong signals to his brain, raising his hackles, tightening his muscles. He didn't need to be any more on edge than he already was. If he got any tenser they'd never get to the sex.
He had hoped Rose would be so happy to see him that her customary boldness would carry them through any timidness on his part. She'd seemed to be following this script in the lift. But something had turned her up shy. He needed her to continue being forward now that they were alone. Females were the aggressors on Gallifrey. Males needed to feel safe and protected before they could even think of mating. But, of course, Rose had no way of knowing that. He'd have to be clearer about it.
Trying to ignore the screaming jitters building under his skin, he unzipped his travel bag, opening it on the bed. How did humans do this? Settle? Nest? They never felt safe. They compensated, he supposed, played elaborate courtship games. Rose had always been above that sort of thing. But that didn't make her privy to his alien urges. He wanted to mate with her. Wanted it with every cell of his uncooperative body. If only she would say something, do something he could interpret as a breeding signal. She couldn't give off the correct pheromones, but other females of her species had no trouble communicating their desires. He'd been set upon and kissed more times than he cared to recall.
But now she had him to herself, Rose showed no trace of what he'd always assumed was a natural human appetite. She stood in the doorway, silently watching as he transferred six suits from his bag to the wardrobe.
He glanced at the bedside tables. One of them held a trashy novel, a few files and a half-full tumbler of water.
“You're still to the right?” he inferred, not really pausing for an answer before adding a stack of books, his journal and his spectacles to the left hand table. They'd shared a bed often enough for him to be comfortable with the arrangement. She would sleep. He would listen to her dreams.
Rose gulped audibly when his hand dropped to the lone button restraining his suit jacket. His gaze darted to meet hers, locking on as he popped the button through its hole. He slipped free of the jacket, casually draping it across his pillows. There was no need to loosen the slipshod knot of his tie, but he rolled up his shirtsleeves, exposing the sinewy rawness of his forearms. Rose made another involuntary noise, this one more of a whimper than a sigh.
She devoured him with her eyes. He could feel the heat of her gaze as she mentally undressed and caressed him. The static-filled background hum of her thoughts enchanted him. He wanted to reach out with his mind and pull her in, but he didn't dare. She had her thumb in her mouth, teeth worrying at the nail. Probably this meant something, he thought, probably she was expecting some opening from him.
“Would you like to change?” he asked, when the silence threatened to fray his nerves. “Or we could...” he gestured at the bed.
She spoke around her thumb. “I...don't think...I...uh...”
“I could leave you alone for a bit,” he offered. “If you're feeling shy.”
She dropped her hands to her sides and huffed at him. “I'm not shy. I just wasn't expecting you to...you never really wanted to...before, and... I need wine,” she said and darted off down the hall.
He blew out a pent breath. This wasn't going well. It didn't take a genius of his caliber to figure that out. What had he done wrong? He'd mentally rehearsed this scenario a thousand times. In his fantasies, Rose always helped him along, helped him relax. He'd never envisioned her running away from him. Was it possible she didn't want to consummate their long standing attachment? People generally wanted to get closer to him, touch him. Rose had always enjoyed touching him, he was sure of it. Maybe he was sending the wrong signals her way. Maybe he should just ask her what she wanted him to do. He trailed after her to the living room.
It wasn't a room that said Rose to him. It offered no comfort. A few potted plants cheered the otherwise generically appointed space. Steel and glass furniture dominated, giving the room a clinical sterility. All of the surfaces were polished to slick perfection. Rose wouldn't care about shiny things. Bright red and gold accent pillows warmed an otherwise cool white leather sofa. A wool throw and a messy pile of papers were the only signs she'd settled here. There were dishes on the dining table, a cereal bowl and coffee cup obviously left over from breakfast. Rose, he remembered, tended to drag around in the morning and then dash out leaving things half done. He smiled as she bustled the bowl and cup off to the kitchen.
“No need to fuss,” he said, cheerfully. “I'm used to living with you.”
He wandered over to the wall opposite the entry. It was nothing but windows, looking out over the Thames to the London Eye. Gazing down on the city, he said, “Very nice view.”
Rose returned clutching wine glasses. Her impassive gaze swept the panorama of central London visible through the windows. “It is,” she said, handing him his drink.
He cupped his fingers around hers as he took his glass. “Reminds me of the day we met.”
“You do see it, then, this time?”
“What?” he said, affecting a Northern accent and an approximation of his former clueless stare.
She laughed, lifting her chin to indicate the great lighted wheel to their left. “I thought of you when I first saw it. Maybe that's why I stay here. I keep meaning to find a place of my own, but... “ Moving away from him, she let her sentence trail off. She sat her wine down on the coffee table. “I don't spend much time in London. This place is convenient, though. Close to the tubes. There's full maid service three days a week. Laundry pick up on weekends. If you want to stay...”
“Do you want me to?” he asked on a rushed breath.
She didn't seem to be listening. “Work keeps me busy. It takes me all over.”
The darkness outside turned the windows reflective. Watching her covertly in the glass, he saw the haunted glance she shot him when she mentioned her job. Did she think he meant to interfere with her life? Nothing could be further from his mind. He had hoped to add to her happiness. Perhaps, like him, she didn't know what he wanted from her now. They were moving into uncharted territory, testing the waters as they went. Small wonder they were both so tense. Noticing his hunched shoulders in the dark glass, he made a conscious effort to relax, standing up straighter. He took a deep swallow of wine.
“Shall we buy a house?” he asked, trying to keep his suggestion lighthearted.
“I guess...if you don't like it here.”
“I think it's grand,” he said, still staring out the window. “Fully serviced, lovely view. But it not very cozy. And I wonder, will they let us have a dog? I thought I might like to have a dog. A spaniel, maybe. Or the other one. What's it called? A retriever. K-9 only not as prone to rust in bad weather or bog down in swampland or work out quadratic equations before I do.”
“We can have a dog,” Rose said silkily.
That was the tone he'd been waiting for, that seductively honeyed inflection. It meant she was pleased with him and his babbling. It put him instantly at ease. Now, if only she would jump on him and be done with it. He wanted her so badly his teeth ached.
She'd turned her shoulder to the mirror of the windows, hiding from him as she stripped off her sweater. Static cling drew her blouse up too, exposing her midsection and a flash of lacy blue bra. He sighed and rolled his eyes heavenward when her reflection made a few hasty adjustments, covering up again. Not promising, that shyness. She tossed the sweater over the arm of the sofa, but immediately gathered it up again, glancing his way.
“I'm not really attached to this place. It's just where I stay in the city.”
He sat his wine glass down and turned to look at her. “What would make it home?”
Clutching the sweater to her breast, she shrugged. “Oh, I don't know...if it traveled through time and space?” She grinned and threw her sweater at him. He caught it from the air.
The playful gesture evaporated the last vestiges of tension between them. “Isn't this strange?” he asked, bouncing over to her with boyish zeal. “You and me. In a house. Well, a flat, fully-serviced. I can't think why I'm so nervous.”
“Are you?” she asked, sidling closer.
“Oh, yes,” he admitted. He edged into her warm circle of body heat until they bumped shoulders. “Quaking like a school girl at her first formal dance. I feel quite light-headed. And my palms have gone all clammy.” He displayed one hand for her. “Is this sort of thing generally this difficult? Films always make it look easy. I mean...yes, of course there's the awkwardness that comes up naturally when the astrophysicist and the scullery maid try to blend their two worlds...comic hijinks ensue, but...”
“Who's the scullery maid?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.
“Oh, I'm definitely the astrophysicist. I've got the brainy specs to prove it.”
“I dated a physicist a few months back.”
“Did you?” He tried to look interested. “He was here? This...physicist?”
“Yeah...no...not so much,” she stammered. “It didn't get that far. I just tried to date. Once or twice. But it never really worked out. Different worlds.” He tilted his head in inquiry and she clarified. “Me and the physicist. He didn't believe in aliens. Insisted they could never visit the Earth. Interplanetary distances too vast to overcome. Can't travel faster than light. No possibility of ever traveling through time.”
“Oh, one of those.”
“There's only so much smiling and nodding I can do before losing my mind.”
“This isn't helping my nerves,” he said with a slight pout, “all this talk of physicists. I'll be the scullery maid.”
Rose patted him sympathetically. “It's a better life," she assured him. "So? What would help our nerves? We could pretend we're just visiting, yeah? We've parked the TARDIS somewhere and...”
“No,” he said, brandishing a finger. The tip of it brushed the tip of her nose. Her eyes crossed a little as he went on, “No, no, no, no...no.” He took a deep breath and released it. The exhale stirred a few strands of her hair. “We have to face this, head on, I think. No shirking.”
Biting her lower lip, she smiled coquettishly up at him. “Like a trip to the dentist?”
“Quite right,” he said. He glanced around, appraisingly. “I want to stay here. Live here with you. Share the mortgage. Is that all right?”
“Are you sure about the mortgage?” she breathed, toying with his tie, “housing prices are astronomical just now.”
“I can always make money,” he said. His manner was so matter-of-fact she shrugged, accepting his claim without question. “And the bed?” Seeing her clear gaze cloud over in confusion, he quickly added, “Share it, I mean. We're engaged, yes? Promised? Affianced? Oh, I like that—affianced! What I mean is...we have an understanding?”
“Yes.”
She'd quickened his pulse with one syllable. “Fantastic.” He inhaled deliberately, forcing himself to shift his attention away from her upturned face. “So...this is our flat?”
“For the moment. Yes.”
“Our sofa and chairs and small dining table,” he said letting his gaze travel across each piece of furniture. Looking toward the kitchen, he added, “Our microwave oven, cold cereal and nearly empty bag of crisps.”
“Our very lovely view of the Thames,” Rose offered, nodding toward the windows.
“There on our occasional table is our copy of the Times.” It took some effort to move away from her, but he managed it. He sauntered over and picked up the newspaper. Rose retrieved her wine and took a tentative sip. “Do we read the Times? Are we Times people?”
“It comes with the flat. I do the crossword.”
“Oh.” He tossed the paper carelessly aside. It slid across the table and spilled to the floor. “You go off to work and you come home and we...?” He looked at her expectantly. “What is it we generally do when you come home?”
She barely considered his question before answering, “Eat. Probably. Usually, I shower...change...read or watch telly.”
“Are you hungry?”
“A bit, but...”
He held up a forestalling hand. “I'll make us a light supper. You shower and change.”
“But...I don't need a shower. Do I?” Pointing her nose at her shoulder, she sniffed delicately. “I could change, I suppose.”
“Into something more comfortable?”
“Anyone else would make that sound suggestive,” Rose jibed. “You really aren't very good at the domestic are you?”
Hearing an underlying criticism, he pinched his eyes closed. Tipping his head back, he sighed and said, “I am making a muddle of this.”
“No,” she said, instantly contrite. “You're doing fine, really. This is just awkward. I'm not used to you being so...available, I suppose. It's bound to take some adjus...”
“I need to relax,” he blurted, interrupting her. The pitch of his voice rose as, clutching his hair, he paced across the room. “I know it's not what you're used to. You're used to Mickey and Jack and Jimmy Stone, all of them manly men with manly appendages hanging about. It's simple biology. I want to get on with things. I just can't get on with things. Assuming you even want to...get on.”
Risking a sidelong glance at her, he could see the wheels turning in her mind as she processed his rambling. She scowled and pointed at him. “When you say 'need,'” her pointing finger came up to tap her chin, “you 'need to relax?' Do you mean you can't...” her line of sight dropped to his trouser zip, “...perform, if you don't?”
“Yes,” he exclaimed, elated to have it out in the open. “Exactly. I can't be all...phallic for you.”
Her face lost a good measure of its happy glow. “Oh.”
“It's not that I don't want to, Rose. I do. But if you were one of my kind, Gallifreyan, you'd be giving off sexual trace, pheromones, signals. And it would be our mating season. We're seasonal. The sun dictates receptiveness. No more Gallifrey. No more sun. No more biological drives.”
“Is that why you never...?” She broke off blushing hot pink. “I mean, you said you had moves. You wanted me to spend the rest of my life with you. But you never tried to, well, make a move.”
“Right. Yes. I have moves. But they aren't human moves. We can have sex...eventually. Until then, there are lots of things we can do.”
“But not,” Rose's head wobbled as she considered her euphemistic choices, “shag?”
“Not right away, no! My...equipment is internal. To protect it from the elements.” Confused, she furrowed her brow and he rushed on with his explanation. “My...phallus. It has to descend. Before it can do that, I need to process certain signals. If I don't get those signals, I really, really need to relax. My people don't breed like humans. We've got pheromones and phases of the suns to stimulate us. Without those incentives, we just take longer to become receptive.”
“How long?”
“It's relative,” he squeaked. “You're a different species. It takes you ten, maybe twelve, minutes to reach full arousal.” He see-sawed one hand as he went on, “I know, you think it takes longer, but studies show you're equally lascivious, male or female, no matter. You. Not you, Rose, but human females in generally, aren't as focused, of course, or as aggressive as Gallifreyan females. And there's the problem right there. I need aggression.”
“I thought you needed to relax.”
“From you,” he peeped. Oh, this was so very hard to talk about. Gallifreyan males don't initiate mating, that was all there was to it. He met Rose's eye, reaching for her. “I need you to,” he balled up his outstretched hand into a fist and growled, “take charge.”
“Oh,” she shifted uneasily. Her right hand went to her throat, stroking downward as she asked, “Do you mean...order you about? Smack you over the head with a club or something?”
“Yes! No.” He shook his head. “Smack me over the head with...?” Appalled by the concept, he wrinkled his nose and glared at her. “What? No! I need to feel safe. I can't relax, perform, until I feel...”
“Safe?” Rose blinked and stiffened, trying to wrap her mind around such an alien concept. “You don't feel safe?”
He gave up. He wanted to disappear, just drop through the floor. Logically, there was nothing to be ashamed of. He was doing the best he could under the circumstances. They were two different species. This certainly wasn't what either of them were used to in intimate relationships. Rose, he felt, was being particularly obtuse about this. Other humans had been willing to jump on him and force the issue.
But he knew those people were the exception. Human males didn't generally need coddling or coaxing. He'd watched Mickey and Jack approach Rose to ask for sex. Mickey had suggested a hotel room. He'd tried to do the same, or at least make things clearer to her, but she'd never seemed to understand. He'd made himself available. But he'd been too conditioned by his upbringing to press her. He couldn't speak, tell her what he wanted for them and needed from her. She'd been taken before he could work up enough nerve for a move.
But now, he'd found her again. And he needed this to work. He tried to marshal his scampering thoughts and breathe away his mounting unease. The world was lurching around him. If she kept him in suspense much longer, he'd probably bolt and run. Maybe they should take a break. Try again tomorrow.
“Could we please just...I don't know...”
“Eat? Shower? Change?” Rose suggested, beaming sweetly at him. Her stiffness had melted away, replaced by a sharp sense of purpose. “Be ourselves?”
When he nodded mute agreement, she closed the distance between them in a few strides. Unable to stop himself, he jerked back when she crossed into his personal space, shying sideways like a startled colt. Rose caught him by his tie. She gently reined him in and, moving deliberately, caressed his chest and shoulder. Slowly the tightly wound tension in his gut uncoiled. As he relaxed, he swayed into her. She reached up to stroke her fingers along his cheek and he turned his face into her palm.
“You make us a snack,” she said, softly, “and I'll go slip into something more comfortable.” And that, he thought, was how you made the suggestion sound seductive.
He exhaled in relief. “Capital. Absolutely. Food. Yes! Good idea.”
END THIS PART
GO TO PART TWO
by Rabid1st
Doctor Who AU
Doctor/Rose
Spoilers: A bit of S3, Last of the Time Lords
Betas: Measi and Keswindhover
Challenge: This is another answer to the challenge of first time sex where the Doctor isn't a sex god.
Summary: A post reunion story...taking off from the canon premise that the Doctor and Rose never had sex during their travels. All events through Last of the Time Lords apply.
Disclaimer: I do not own nor have any right to use these characters. I wrote this for my own amusement and the amusement of my friends and expect no compensation of any kind.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
-by Mary Oliver
Part One
It took the Doctor over nine hundred years to learn what the wild geese knew instinctively--how to find his way home.
Twelve seconds into the life he thought he could never have he told Rose Tyler he loved her.
A minute and a half later they had shared their first kiss and she had, once again, promised him forever.
Now, bag over his shoulder, coat-tails flaring behind him, he hurried along toward his place in the family of things.
When Rose took his hand into the cradle of hers, the soft animal of his body spoke. It asked for comfort and release. He intended to give in to those pleas, to give his body what it had been craving since it came into being. It felt strange to him, responding to those muted internal cries. He was used to denying their existence. As a Time Lord, he'd been trained to ignore his physical needs. Time Lords lived in their heads. When a body mewed or winced they cast it aside without regret, like an old shoe worn past mending. Time Lords did not ache. They suffered no wasting indignities, harbored no regrets. They regenerated. They moved on. The price they paid for never dying was never truly living, never knowing love or comfort. The Doctor had shrugged away nine bodies in distress, but not this one.
Through this body he'd become intimate with longing and infirmity. This body had lived with wasting illness. It had known hunger and grief. It had wept and shivered and crawled. This body had endured the Master's trials. A Time Lord to the core, the Master had seriously underestimated this body's tenacity. He had expected to win when he'd played his trump card of old age. He had expected regeneration and capitulation. But the Doctor had gone on fighting.
Crippled and caged, withered into helplessness, he'd focused on Rose, drawing on her strength when his own failed. He had imagined her facing an illness with her general bravado. He had imagined her wasting away, wilting, crumbling into a handful of dust. Rose's eventual death became a reality for him, something he could accept. Weary and worn, he had turned to her people on the Earth below and asked for their help. Any one of them was braver than any of his kind. Humans were willing to chance, willing to feel, able to comfort one another despite their fragile, all too short, lives. Until that year in captivity, he hadn't truly appreciated their spirit, their capacity for love.
Now he did. More than that, he knew he could cope with losing Rose one day, but only if he had something tangible to cling to when she was gone. They didn't have forever. They had her lifetime. He needed to act on his desires, brave his fears and give his body what it loved while there was still time.
“It's just there,” Rose said, pointing across the street at a high-rise building. “Number 21, on the sixteenth floor.”
Scarcely glancing up, he angled his body into hers. Head tilted down, he beamed at her. “Torchwood pays well.”
She squeezed his hand. “Not that well,” she said, with a grin of her own and a bounce into his shoulder. “It belongs to Tyler International. It's the company flat, but Dad lets me stay here when I'm in London.”
Her father - excellent place to start rebuilding their rapport. “How is old Pete Tyler these days?”
“Fine. Wonderful. And Mum. She's going to be so happy to see you.”
“That'll be a change.”
“No, it won't,” she countered, nudging him with an elbow as they navigated though double doors into a very swanky lobby. Ignored by the reception desk and security guard, Rose towed him toward a bank of lifts. “She misses you terribly. Remember how she used to kiss you silly whenever we came home? You know she loves you.” There was a slight catch in her voice as she lifted her chin. He found himself suddenly breathless, sinking into those starry eyes. “I lo...,” she began, but he silenced her with a finger to the lips. They were soft lips, parting slightly to his gentle pressure.
“Quite right,” he whispered. He held her gaze, all the way in, as he leaned close to brush her cheek with his, adding, “I know and you know.”
Touching her made his blood sing. This, his body said, this is what I need. Say it. Tell her. Take charge. He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come. The tips of his fingers drifted, along the bow of her lips, across her cheek and down the curve of her throat. Her lashes fluttered closed, veiling her eyes as he drew back. She wanted a kiss. Some signals were easy to read. Her lips were moist, pink and slightly puckered. He'd kissed humans before. He could do this.
Skimming his fingers to the nape of her neck, he settled his other hand near her mid-back. Through her sweater and shirt, he could feel the play of her muscles under his palm. He told himself to kiss her, kiss her repeatedly. He longed to take her against the wall. He wanted to feel her squirming under him, but her sexual signals left him floundering. If only they were on Gallifrey, if only it were mating season. He drew in a tremulous breath. They were so close now, so close to getting it right. Rose opened her eyes when the lift dinged and they both grew self-conscious. Separating slightly, they stepped into the small, dimly lit cabin. He tried to relax as Rose pushed the button for her floor. Relaxation was key.
She whirled to seize him and he sighed in relief, burying his face in the curve of her neck. They held on to one another on the ride up, letting go only when they disembarked. Feeling bereft without her arms around him, the Doctor tried and failed to rein in his nervous energy as he waited for Rose to unlock the apartment door. He shifted his bag from shoulder to shoulder to floor. His hands told him they were lonely. Jamming them into his trouser pockets, he rocked back and forth, heel to toe, toe to heel, studying the pristinely elegant hallway while Rose fumbled with her keys. He didn't want to rush her, didn't want to seem too eager. Though he was eager, trembling in anticipation of the night to come. Rose trembled, too. He noticed her fingers shaking as she shuffled through the many choices on the keyring.
He found her fidgets charming. Of course, he found everything about her charming. The cut of her trousers. The tilt of her head. The pink tip of her tongue at the corner of the smile she favored him with as she darted a nervous glance his way. He wanted to soothe her, to tell her it would all be okay, but he wasn't sure it would. He'd never done anything like this before. Oh, he'd danced. He'd followed a human to a room and on, through a door. He'd laid down beside one of Rose's kind, given pleasure and been pleasured in return. He'd fathered children on the Rani and on two other wives. But he'd never made love to anyone. Not once in nine hundred years.
Long before the Time War, his people had given up lovemaking. Intimacy of any kind required certain conditions. And he wasn't precisely sure how to go about replicating those conditions with Rose. How could he begin to express everything he felt for her without the assistance of pheromones or telepathy? Could he make love to her using only his body? The magnitude of the task threatened to overwhelm his nerves again.
Recalling Earth's romantic books and films to mind gave him no solace. Courtship rituals had gone the way of the horse and carriage by Rose's time. He knew her contemporaries surrendered to their sexual urges without much preamble, but even if he had the capacity, it would never do to leap on his beloved Rose like some randy sailor making port after a long voyage. She might want him to, of course. Might expect it even. That was a disheartening thought. What if they simply couldn't connect in a way that would satisfy them both? What if she wanted something more, different, less...alien? He would accommodate her, he supposed, go through the motions as he'd done with other human lovers. Anything to be with her, stay together for the rest of her life.
“At last,” Rose declared. The lock turned and the door swung smoothly inward.
A puff of distinctly Rose-scented air enveloped him, wiping every worry from his mind. The signature aroma lifted the hairs on his forearms. He shivered like some wild animal scenting a mate. Perfumed cosmetics layered sweetness above the pungent undertone of peroxide and her unique musk. His knees buckled as the mix of scents wafted by his nose. For one dizzy moment, he thought he might faint from a giddy head-rush of happiness. He leaned his shoulder into the door frame for stability and inhaled deep. This was what home smelled like. It smelled like Rose.
He hadn't realized how faint her trace had become over time, how it had faded from her clothing and her room in the TARDIS. Scenting it fresh brought a flood of sweet memories to mind. He lost himself in sensual pleasure for a moment, drinking in the aroma. Rose, he knew, wouldn't thank him for mentioning her body odor. Humans were funny about perspiration and pheromones. But some of the dearest moments in his long life were redolent with this scent. If he could have synthesized Eau de Rose Tyler during her time away, he would have bathed in it every night.
Rose had stepped over the threshold to turn on a light. His hesitation caused her to look back at him. “Are you coming in?”
“Oh, yes,” he breathed.
Shaking off the dizzying effects of her heady perfume, he flowed around the door frame, slinking ferret-like into the foyer. He felt safer close to the wall, less exposed. Rose gently shut and latched the door behind him. Our door, he thought, reaching backward to touch his fingertips to the varnished white surface. Feeling suddenly trapped, he whirled about to look out the peep hole, marveling at the fish-eye view. Smaller on the inside. Rose tossed her keys at a ceramic bowl on the entryway table. The clatter brought his head around. The keys had landed on top of a few letters, some pens and a corkscrew. She had a place for keys. He settled his shoulder bag to the floor, reached into an inner pocket and produced his TARDIS key. Peering into the bowl, he carefully positioned his key across Rose's, before swirling the chain down in a spiral on top.
“Settling in?” Rose asked, beaming at him.
He returned her grin, and then let his gaze sweep the foyer. At the far end of it a mirror reflected their images, creating an illusion of greater space. Momentarily preoccupied by his reflection, he combed his fingers though his hair, trying to tame it. It only grew more tousled. Giving up, he turned his attention to studying a geometric painting of a tea service which hung above the bowl with their keys. A framed photo of the Tyler family and single glove also graced the gate-legged table. He checked in the table's lone drawer for the other glove, before filing the mystery away for later.
A pair of Wellingtons leaned against an umbrella stand just off the welcome mat. The boots reminded him of the wet sand on his shoes. Sand from another universe, he thought, as he stepped back onto the mat to wipe his feet. Shoes tidied he followed Rose onto the maple-stained hardwood floor. She stood facing the wall opposite the small table, where three brass coat hooks formed a regimented line at eye-level. A yellow slicker occupied one hook. Rose added her purse to another, leaving one hook unclaimed.
Standing at her shoulder, he softly murmured, “A place for my coat. My coat has a place.”
“If you like,” Rose said, without any fuss or emphasis.
“Could I leave it lying about?” he asked, cocking a challenging brow at her. “Toss it down somewhere?”
A twinkle of delight danced in her eyes, but she matched his serious tone. “I don't see why not.”
He sniffed, holding her gaze for a moment before shifting to consider the hook anew. Arms crossed, he lifted his chin to stare down his nose. “I used to have a hat rack with hooks,” he remarked. “Two of them. Hat racks not hooks. I used to wear hats.”
When Rose rolled her eyes, he decided to give up on explaining. He shrugged free of his coat and carefully settled it on the hook. It looked very comfortable hanging there.
“Coat on hook. Keys in bowl. Feet wiped clean.” He beamed at Rose. “What's next?”
She shook her head, but grinned as she made for the first door on their right. He held back, looking along the divergent hall toward two other doorways. A loo and a bedroom, he thought.
“Would you like a coffee?” Rose asked. “Or some tea?”
“Nothing, thanks.” He touched a hand to his stomach, just above the one jacket button still fastened. “Alternative dimension hopping always leaves me a bit queasy.”
That far doorway called to him. He had to know if he'd guessed correctly. Darting along the passage to peek, he discovered the bedroom he'd expected and a master bath. The neatly made bed was low and wide and wore lovely white linens. Someone, not Rose he felt sure, had folded a blue comforter in a triangle across the foot of the bed and there were sprigs of lavender on the pillows. This was the place, tonight was the night. No human DNA to assist him. No amnesia. No post-regenerative zeal. His pulse skipped dramatically. He had no idea if he could carry through on his implied promises to Rose. But sooner or later, he'd be put to the test in this room.
Lips pursed in thought, he contemplated the headboard and bedside tables, all stained a light butterscotch color to match the dresser and wardrobe. Despite the neatly made bed, the room had a lived-in feel about it. Perfume lingered in the air. Bottles and jars vied for room on the dresser top. The wardrobe doors, standing slightly ajar, afforded him a glimpse of Rose's disarrayed clothing. Stockings dangled out of drawers. She'd scattered her shoes about, several meters separating one matched pair. He remembered this chaos well. Rose had a fine disregard for her belongings. He was very much the same. They suited one another.
“Do you have wine?” he yelled over his shoulder.
“I might. Red?” When he failed to answer, she came to the hall to prompt him. “Doctor?”
“Anything,” he said quietly, sauntering out of the bedroom. He edged past her to retrieve his bag.
“What were you doing?”
“Exploring,” he said. Jutting his chin to indicate the bedroom, he asked, “Do you mind if I unpack? Toothbrush? Jimjams and so on?”
Rose looked as if she'd never even considered he might stay the night. Her eyes widened and her lips parted but no sound came out. Finally, something he could reasonably take for assent squeaked past her vocal cords. He waited for no further encouragement.
“Back in a jiffy,” he told her and dashed away.
Rose barely hesitated before following him. Her footfalls sounded tentative, as if she were sneaking up behind him. Stealth sent the wrong signals to his brain, raising his hackles, tightening his muscles. He didn't need to be any more on edge than he already was. If he got any tenser they'd never get to the sex.
He had hoped Rose would be so happy to see him that her customary boldness would carry them through any timidness on his part. She'd seemed to be following this script in the lift. But something had turned her up shy. He needed her to continue being forward now that they were alone. Females were the aggressors on Gallifrey. Males needed to feel safe and protected before they could even think of mating. But, of course, Rose had no way of knowing that. He'd have to be clearer about it.
Trying to ignore the screaming jitters building under his skin, he unzipped his travel bag, opening it on the bed. How did humans do this? Settle? Nest? They never felt safe. They compensated, he supposed, played elaborate courtship games. Rose had always been above that sort of thing. But that didn't make her privy to his alien urges. He wanted to mate with her. Wanted it with every cell of his uncooperative body. If only she would say something, do something he could interpret as a breeding signal. She couldn't give off the correct pheromones, but other females of her species had no trouble communicating their desires. He'd been set upon and kissed more times than he cared to recall.
But now she had him to herself, Rose showed no trace of what he'd always assumed was a natural human appetite. She stood in the doorway, silently watching as he transferred six suits from his bag to the wardrobe.
He glanced at the bedside tables. One of them held a trashy novel, a few files and a half-full tumbler of water.
“You're still to the right?” he inferred, not really pausing for an answer before adding a stack of books, his journal and his spectacles to the left hand table. They'd shared a bed often enough for him to be comfortable with the arrangement. She would sleep. He would listen to her dreams.
Rose gulped audibly when his hand dropped to the lone button restraining his suit jacket. His gaze darted to meet hers, locking on as he popped the button through its hole. He slipped free of the jacket, casually draping it across his pillows. There was no need to loosen the slipshod knot of his tie, but he rolled up his shirtsleeves, exposing the sinewy rawness of his forearms. Rose made another involuntary noise, this one more of a whimper than a sigh.
She devoured him with her eyes. He could feel the heat of her gaze as she mentally undressed and caressed him. The static-filled background hum of her thoughts enchanted him. He wanted to reach out with his mind and pull her in, but he didn't dare. She had her thumb in her mouth, teeth worrying at the nail. Probably this meant something, he thought, probably she was expecting some opening from him.
“Would you like to change?” he asked, when the silence threatened to fray his nerves. “Or we could...” he gestured at the bed.
She spoke around her thumb. “I...don't think...I...uh...”
“I could leave you alone for a bit,” he offered. “If you're feeling shy.”
She dropped her hands to her sides and huffed at him. “I'm not shy. I just wasn't expecting you to...you never really wanted to...before, and... I need wine,” she said and darted off down the hall.
He blew out a pent breath. This wasn't going well. It didn't take a genius of his caliber to figure that out. What had he done wrong? He'd mentally rehearsed this scenario a thousand times. In his fantasies, Rose always helped him along, helped him relax. He'd never envisioned her running away from him. Was it possible she didn't want to consummate their long standing attachment? People generally wanted to get closer to him, touch him. Rose had always enjoyed touching him, he was sure of it. Maybe he was sending the wrong signals her way. Maybe he should just ask her what she wanted him to do. He trailed after her to the living room.
It wasn't a room that said Rose to him. It offered no comfort. A few potted plants cheered the otherwise generically appointed space. Steel and glass furniture dominated, giving the room a clinical sterility. All of the surfaces were polished to slick perfection. Rose wouldn't care about shiny things. Bright red and gold accent pillows warmed an otherwise cool white leather sofa. A wool throw and a messy pile of papers were the only signs she'd settled here. There were dishes on the dining table, a cereal bowl and coffee cup obviously left over from breakfast. Rose, he remembered, tended to drag around in the morning and then dash out leaving things half done. He smiled as she bustled the bowl and cup off to the kitchen.
“No need to fuss,” he said, cheerfully. “I'm used to living with you.”
He wandered over to the wall opposite the entry. It was nothing but windows, looking out over the Thames to the London Eye. Gazing down on the city, he said, “Very nice view.”
Rose returned clutching wine glasses. Her impassive gaze swept the panorama of central London visible through the windows. “It is,” she said, handing him his drink.
He cupped his fingers around hers as he took his glass. “Reminds me of the day we met.”
“You do see it, then, this time?”
“What?” he said, affecting a Northern accent and an approximation of his former clueless stare.
She laughed, lifting her chin to indicate the great lighted wheel to their left. “I thought of you when I first saw it. Maybe that's why I stay here. I keep meaning to find a place of my own, but... “ Moving away from him, she let her sentence trail off. She sat her wine down on the coffee table. “I don't spend much time in London. This place is convenient, though. Close to the tubes. There's full maid service three days a week. Laundry pick up on weekends. If you want to stay...”
“Do you want me to?” he asked on a rushed breath.
She didn't seem to be listening. “Work keeps me busy. It takes me all over.”
The darkness outside turned the windows reflective. Watching her covertly in the glass, he saw the haunted glance she shot him when she mentioned her job. Did she think he meant to interfere with her life? Nothing could be further from his mind. He had hoped to add to her happiness. Perhaps, like him, she didn't know what he wanted from her now. They were moving into uncharted territory, testing the waters as they went. Small wonder they were both so tense. Noticing his hunched shoulders in the dark glass, he made a conscious effort to relax, standing up straighter. He took a deep swallow of wine.
“Shall we buy a house?” he asked, trying to keep his suggestion lighthearted.
“I guess...if you don't like it here.”
“I think it's grand,” he said, still staring out the window. “Fully serviced, lovely view. But it not very cozy. And I wonder, will they let us have a dog? I thought I might like to have a dog. A spaniel, maybe. Or the other one. What's it called? A retriever. K-9 only not as prone to rust in bad weather or bog down in swampland or work out quadratic equations before I do.”
“We can have a dog,” Rose said silkily.
That was the tone he'd been waiting for, that seductively honeyed inflection. It meant she was pleased with him and his babbling. It put him instantly at ease. Now, if only she would jump on him and be done with it. He wanted her so badly his teeth ached.
She'd turned her shoulder to the mirror of the windows, hiding from him as she stripped off her sweater. Static cling drew her blouse up too, exposing her midsection and a flash of lacy blue bra. He sighed and rolled his eyes heavenward when her reflection made a few hasty adjustments, covering up again. Not promising, that shyness. She tossed the sweater over the arm of the sofa, but immediately gathered it up again, glancing his way.
“I'm not really attached to this place. It's just where I stay in the city.”
He sat his wine glass down and turned to look at her. “What would make it home?”
Clutching the sweater to her breast, she shrugged. “Oh, I don't know...if it traveled through time and space?” She grinned and threw her sweater at him. He caught it from the air.
The playful gesture evaporated the last vestiges of tension between them. “Isn't this strange?” he asked, bouncing over to her with boyish zeal. “You and me. In a house. Well, a flat, fully-serviced. I can't think why I'm so nervous.”
“Are you?” she asked, sidling closer.
“Oh, yes,” he admitted. He edged into her warm circle of body heat until they bumped shoulders. “Quaking like a school girl at her first formal dance. I feel quite light-headed. And my palms have gone all clammy.” He displayed one hand for her. “Is this sort of thing generally this difficult? Films always make it look easy. I mean...yes, of course there's the awkwardness that comes up naturally when the astrophysicist and the scullery maid try to blend their two worlds...comic hijinks ensue, but...”
“Who's the scullery maid?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.
“Oh, I'm definitely the astrophysicist. I've got the brainy specs to prove it.”
“I dated a physicist a few months back.”
“Did you?” He tried to look interested. “He was here? This...physicist?”
“Yeah...no...not so much,” she stammered. “It didn't get that far. I just tried to date. Once or twice. But it never really worked out. Different worlds.” He tilted his head in inquiry and she clarified. “Me and the physicist. He didn't believe in aliens. Insisted they could never visit the Earth. Interplanetary distances too vast to overcome. Can't travel faster than light. No possibility of ever traveling through time.”
“Oh, one of those.”
“There's only so much smiling and nodding I can do before losing my mind.”
“This isn't helping my nerves,” he said with a slight pout, “all this talk of physicists. I'll be the scullery maid.”
Rose patted him sympathetically. “It's a better life," she assured him. "So? What would help our nerves? We could pretend we're just visiting, yeah? We've parked the TARDIS somewhere and...”
“No,” he said, brandishing a finger. The tip of it brushed the tip of her nose. Her eyes crossed a little as he went on, “No, no, no, no...no.” He took a deep breath and released it. The exhale stirred a few strands of her hair. “We have to face this, head on, I think. No shirking.”
Biting her lower lip, she smiled coquettishly up at him. “Like a trip to the dentist?”
“Quite right,” he said. He glanced around, appraisingly. “I want to stay here. Live here with you. Share the mortgage. Is that all right?”
“Are you sure about the mortgage?” she breathed, toying with his tie, “housing prices are astronomical just now.”
“I can always make money,” he said. His manner was so matter-of-fact she shrugged, accepting his claim without question. “And the bed?” Seeing her clear gaze cloud over in confusion, he quickly added, “Share it, I mean. We're engaged, yes? Promised? Affianced? Oh, I like that—affianced! What I mean is...we have an understanding?”
“Yes.”
She'd quickened his pulse with one syllable. “Fantastic.” He inhaled deliberately, forcing himself to shift his attention away from her upturned face. “So...this is our flat?”
“For the moment. Yes.”
“Our sofa and chairs and small dining table,” he said letting his gaze travel across each piece of furniture. Looking toward the kitchen, he added, “Our microwave oven, cold cereal and nearly empty bag of crisps.”
“Our very lovely view of the Thames,” Rose offered, nodding toward the windows.
“There on our occasional table is our copy of the Times.” It took some effort to move away from her, but he managed it. He sauntered over and picked up the newspaper. Rose retrieved her wine and took a tentative sip. “Do we read the Times? Are we Times people?”
“It comes with the flat. I do the crossword.”
“Oh.” He tossed the paper carelessly aside. It slid across the table and spilled to the floor. “You go off to work and you come home and we...?” He looked at her expectantly. “What is it we generally do when you come home?”
She barely considered his question before answering, “Eat. Probably. Usually, I shower...change...read or watch telly.”
“Are you hungry?”
“A bit, but...”
He held up a forestalling hand. “I'll make us a light supper. You shower and change.”
“But...I don't need a shower. Do I?” Pointing her nose at her shoulder, she sniffed delicately. “I could change, I suppose.”
“Into something more comfortable?”
“Anyone else would make that sound suggestive,” Rose jibed. “You really aren't very good at the domestic are you?”
Hearing an underlying criticism, he pinched his eyes closed. Tipping his head back, he sighed and said, “I am making a muddle of this.”
“No,” she said, instantly contrite. “You're doing fine, really. This is just awkward. I'm not used to you being so...available, I suppose. It's bound to take some adjus...”
“I need to relax,” he blurted, interrupting her. The pitch of his voice rose as, clutching his hair, he paced across the room. “I know it's not what you're used to. You're used to Mickey and Jack and Jimmy Stone, all of them manly men with manly appendages hanging about. It's simple biology. I want to get on with things. I just can't get on with things. Assuming you even want to...get on.”
Risking a sidelong glance at her, he could see the wheels turning in her mind as she processed his rambling. She scowled and pointed at him. “When you say 'need,'” her pointing finger came up to tap her chin, “you 'need to relax?' Do you mean you can't...” her line of sight dropped to his trouser zip, “...perform, if you don't?”
“Yes,” he exclaimed, elated to have it out in the open. “Exactly. I can't be all...phallic for you.”
Her face lost a good measure of its happy glow. “Oh.”
“It's not that I don't want to, Rose. I do. But if you were one of my kind, Gallifreyan, you'd be giving off sexual trace, pheromones, signals. And it would be our mating season. We're seasonal. The sun dictates receptiveness. No more Gallifrey. No more sun. No more biological drives.”
“Is that why you never...?” She broke off blushing hot pink. “I mean, you said you had moves. You wanted me to spend the rest of my life with you. But you never tried to, well, make a move.”
“Right. Yes. I have moves. But they aren't human moves. We can have sex...eventually. Until then, there are lots of things we can do.”
“But not,” Rose's head wobbled as she considered her euphemistic choices, “shag?”
“Not right away, no! My...equipment is internal. To protect it from the elements.” Confused, she furrowed her brow and he rushed on with his explanation. “My...phallus. It has to descend. Before it can do that, I need to process certain signals. If I don't get those signals, I really, really need to relax. My people don't breed like humans. We've got pheromones and phases of the suns to stimulate us. Without those incentives, we just take longer to become receptive.”
“How long?”
“It's relative,” he squeaked. “You're a different species. It takes you ten, maybe twelve, minutes to reach full arousal.” He see-sawed one hand as he went on, “I know, you think it takes longer, but studies show you're equally lascivious, male or female, no matter. You. Not you, Rose, but human females in generally, aren't as focused, of course, or as aggressive as Gallifreyan females. And there's the problem right there. I need aggression.”
“I thought you needed to relax.”
“From you,” he peeped. Oh, this was so very hard to talk about. Gallifreyan males don't initiate mating, that was all there was to it. He met Rose's eye, reaching for her. “I need you to,” he balled up his outstretched hand into a fist and growled, “take charge.”
“Oh,” she shifted uneasily. Her right hand went to her throat, stroking downward as she asked, “Do you mean...order you about? Smack you over the head with a club or something?”
“Yes! No.” He shook his head. “Smack me over the head with...?” Appalled by the concept, he wrinkled his nose and glared at her. “What? No! I need to feel safe. I can't relax, perform, until I feel...”
“Safe?” Rose blinked and stiffened, trying to wrap her mind around such an alien concept. “You don't feel safe?”
He gave up. He wanted to disappear, just drop through the floor. Logically, there was nothing to be ashamed of. He was doing the best he could under the circumstances. They were two different species. This certainly wasn't what either of them were used to in intimate relationships. Rose, he felt, was being particularly obtuse about this. Other humans had been willing to jump on him and force the issue.
But he knew those people were the exception. Human males didn't generally need coddling or coaxing. He'd watched Mickey and Jack approach Rose to ask for sex. Mickey had suggested a hotel room. He'd tried to do the same, or at least make things clearer to her, but she'd never seemed to understand. He'd made himself available. But he'd been too conditioned by his upbringing to press her. He couldn't speak, tell her what he wanted for them and needed from her. She'd been taken before he could work up enough nerve for a move.
But now, he'd found her again. And he needed this to work. He tried to marshal his scampering thoughts and breathe away his mounting unease. The world was lurching around him. If she kept him in suspense much longer, he'd probably bolt and run. Maybe they should take a break. Try again tomorrow.
“Could we please just...I don't know...”
“Eat? Shower? Change?” Rose suggested, beaming sweetly at him. Her stiffness had melted away, replaced by a sharp sense of purpose. “Be ourselves?”
When he nodded mute agreement, she closed the distance between them in a few strides. Unable to stop himself, he jerked back when she crossed into his personal space, shying sideways like a startled colt. Rose caught him by his tie. She gently reined him in and, moving deliberately, caressed his chest and shoulder. Slowly the tightly wound tension in his gut uncoiled. As he relaxed, he swayed into her. She reached up to stroke her fingers along his cheek and he turned his face into her palm.
“You make us a snack,” she said, softly, “and I'll go slip into something more comfortable.” And that, he thought, was how you made the suggestion sound seductive.
He exhaled in relief. “Capital. Absolutely. Food. Yes! Good idea.”
END THIS PART
GO TO PART TWO
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:00 am (UTC)I can't wait for the second part--to see how Rose will take charge and seduce Ten. I have no doubt it will be hot and brilliant.
Cheers!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:32 am (UTC)I'm grateful that you will be coming back for part 2. Hopefully, I can deliver it soon. And deliver it hot. :->
Thank you so much for the speedy feedback.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:33 am (UTC)Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:26 am (UTC)Am I correct in assuming that you're implying John Smith and Joan were, erm, more active than was shown onscreen, or are you talking about Eight and Grace ? Or one of the book companions?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:40 am (UTC)As for Grace...you made me realize I should address that...so I added a line about post-regenerative zeal. To me, his first Grace kiss is much like that hug he gives Martha in the Dalek episode...a spontaneous burst of joy...then they really kiss. I am on the fence about book canon...I don't mind referencing it obliquely but I don't think it really counts now that we've added Human Nature to the television canon.
I am glad you liked the explanation though. And don't feel too sorry for Rose...she loves being with him...and now she's got some idea how to move things along. But, yes, she did problaby figure he was simply uninterested in sex...which is why she hesitated to tell him she loved him. She didn't want him to think she wanted more from him than he was willing to give. And, of course, then...this showing up to move in...is a bit traumatic for her. I mean...can you imagine loving him, wanting him and thinking he would be sleeping beside you each night and never consummating? EEK!
Rae
thanking you so much for you fic love! :-D
OooOOooOhh, New Fic!
Date: 2008-02-19 03:29 am (UTC)"He found her fidgets charming. Of course, he found everything about her charming. The cut of her trousers. The tilt of her head."
He's got it bad. Aint love great? It makes everything wonderful, even things you wouldn't pay a second's attention to when worn or done by anyone else.
"Anything to be with her, stay together for the rest of her life."
That sort of devotion is so rare, and so very very right for the Doctor.
This chapter seems to be made of happy fluffyness and that's half the reason why I love your fics. The other half of the reason is, of course, the Alien!Doctor(smut). Any other non-alien Doctor just seems OOC.
Are you going to delay the epilogue/climax/ending of disheveled for this?
((not that I'm wanting you to put this off for it, just "inquiring minds..."like))
Re: OooOOooOhh, New Fic!
Date: 2008-02-20 03:39 am (UTC)Anyway, on to your comments...yes, it is sort of happy fluff under the nerves. This is what I love about the Doctor and Rose...they could be completely alien in their reactions to one another...and yet be a loving, mutually supportive couple at the same time.
And how sweet is it of you to say my alienDoctor is the standard? :grin: I will tell you though, I find it hard sometimes not to think of Disheveled as canon. When I started this one I had to keep reminding myself that my personal Disheveled universe didn't exist for them. No references to it. And no flowered cock, either. SIGH! I do miss it. :->
Thank you so much for your comments. I don't think Disheveled will be delayed too much...and I thought everyone didn't want it to be over, anyway! :looks around to check if that's right:
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:39 am (UTC)Oh, also saying he'd take any wine he could get. That made me laugh out loud.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:30 am (UTC)Thanks for the commentary.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 03:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:32 am (UTC)Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:12 am (UTC)There really is no good way to tell someone, "You need to seduce me," is there? But looks like Rose has figured it out. That catching him by his tie as he skitters away is both sexy and cute.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 07:10 am (UTC)As for his kissing other people...Martha or Grace...or even Rose in Parting of the Ways...he sort of goes in with a rush to it. And he makes sure with Martha and Zak (for the hug) that people are braced for his entry into their comfort zones. He even does that with Rose when he says, "Come here" in PotW. All of that speaks to a different set of sexual signals...you can postulate that he prefers to have people give him lots of warning and space. He is very tactile with Rose but I noticed he tended to let go of Martha's hand and Astrid's. There was a distance between them, none of that cuddling of the arm and nudging of the shoulder that we get with Rose.
One of my favorite moments to illustrate this is when he gives Martha her TARDIS key...he lets the key dangle at the long end of the chain, and settles it into her open palm...keeping well clear of contact. And while he does hug her in Human Nature...he does that arms open announcement that he is coming in...which again...isn't something he engages in with Rose.
Jackie's kissing him also gets the squirming reaction...though there it is assumed he finds Jackie kisses distasteful...but it could well be that Jackie is so far from anything he'd consider mating with that her invading his space in that way is particularly distressing.
Anyway, thanks for the comments...and I do believe Rose has figured things out...though there might be some awkwardness yet to come as they work through the evening.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:19 am (UTC)It is so good to think that Rose was still helping the Doctor survive and face the world even when she was 'impossibly' far away and he was under constant barrage of humiliation, loneliness, and other miseries. Even the idea of Rose is enough to give him hope and courage. :)
I noticed one tiny typo, in the scene outside the apartment door: He wanted to sooth her, to tell her it would all be okay, but he wasn't sure it would. Should be soothe?
I love seeing overt alien!Doctor. I also think it's sweetly ironic that they both, currently, approach sex from the POV of the seduced, as opposed to seducer. The Doctor, obviously, because of his own societal (and perhaps biological) background. And Rose, because of her upbringing in a society in which men are typically presented as - or often expected to be - the...instigators.
I'm also interested in the Doctor's arrival and his decision to move in with Rose. Rose seems to consider home a blue box traveling through time and space, yet the Doctor is - if not ready, then willing - to settle down. Do we learn any of the backstory later? Well, I shouldn't really ask, as I'm sure I'll find out. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:41 am (UTC)I'm happy whenever I can take the Doctor's reactions and give them an alien spin. And I like the way Rose sort of yeilds to his alien ways. Here, we have him trying to adapt to HER ways...and determined to give his body what it craves...which is sex with Rose. Only he knows, intellectually...and in his soul, too, I think...that he will need to make love to her. And that's what's getting in his way. If it was just a matter of pushing her buttons...he could do that...he's done that before...but this time...he wants to get something for himself from it all.
Hope that helps. Sorry that you won't be getting more insight into this...I might tie this into my next story...but again...I'm leaving the actual reunion to canon. RTD can handle that for me. :->
Rae
thanking you for your thoughtful feedback.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:19 am (UTC)I love fic from you!
Brilliant!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:43 am (UTC)I love it when you comment!
Thanks bunches for the "brilliant!"
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:22 am (UTC)Much love for this idea and your execution is fabulous. You come up with some of the best alien sex scenarios. Nervous Ten is too cute. Of course he's going to have trouble relaxing the first time he sees her again.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:46 am (UTC)I'm so glad you enjoyed the execution of this idea. As I've told others it took some doing as this story wouldn't cooperate for months. And then it sort of came together last week. Which is why it leapfrogged over Disheveled's finale. But this fic isn't long...or if it seques into my longer fic...still, I will finish Disheveled before pressing on past Part 2...so no worries.
Thank you for your feedback.
Rae
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:35 am (UTC)It will be soon, right?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:51 am (UTC)Thanks for leaving me a nice comment. Made my evening.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:36 am (UTC)Btw, your new layout makes it harder to leave a comment... I only saw the link at the top right, none at the bottom of the page, either above or below the other comments. A little confusing.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:45 am (UTC)I was in denial, because I love the clean look of it. But fine! Back to the old layout. That one was too much trouble.
And...you read my fic. Glee! Thanks for the compliment.
Rae
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:37 am (UTC)He had hoped Rose would be so happy to see him that her customary boldness would carry them through
Oh, Doctor. If that was really the case, do you think it would have taken this long to get to this point? XD I also liked her running for the wine. Adorable and amusing, with a promising ending. :D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:48 am (UTC)Here we see something else again...he's come to her. He's going to be living with her, sharing her bed...and if she wants him...that could be very hard on her. So, she's understandably nervous about the change in him.
Thank you so much for calling the story adorable and amusing. I'm glad you are enjoying it so far.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:51 am (UTC)I'm glad the rating on the second part of this will be higher! ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 08:19 am (UTC)Yes, the aging by the Master is key to this. Key to the Doctor letting go of his fear of the "curse of the Time Lords" and allowing his body to truly live. He had to come to that point where he lived with weakness in order to see that it wasn't as frightful as he'd imagined it would be. Of course, understanding that mentally doesn't really mean he can work up the suave in this alien situation. So, he's sort of bumbling through.
Thank you for your feedack, I'm happy to know I put you inside Ten's busy brain. It is a sparkling place to be. :grin:
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 04:52 am (UTC)When I came to the END THIS PART I actually said, "No, not yet!" ;) I'm so looking forward to the next section! Great work! ♥!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:51 am (UTC)And yes, Nine is so Ten...and they are the Doctor. Someone on one of the GenComms recently was all upset that Rose didn't mourn Nine for a long time in S2...and I sort of shook my head over this...because why mourn him when he's not dead? I mean, WE miss Chris...but Rose knows that the Doctor is still with her and, indeed, that is one of the main ways we can tell she's the girl for him...she sees past his outer shell to the inner Doctor with ease. Mourning! Pfft!
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 05:04 am (UTC)Hope part two isn't too far away......
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:53 am (UTC)Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 05:12 am (UTC)<3~ I think... I must take this time to confess my undying love for you and all things ficciefied. :3 I love this. I kept giggling but at the same time going. "Oh god... this I could see being oddly accurate..."
Can't wait for the next bit!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:54 am (UTC)And this is the thing...this fic wouldn't leave my head because I, too, kept thinking it was oddly accurate.
Next bit soon, I hope. Then back to the Disheveled finale.
Rae
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 05:17 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:57 am (UTC)Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 05:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 03:59 am (UTC)Wordscraftsmanship, hey? We should see about nominating that to the OED for next year. I'm so happy you liked the fic...thanks for leaving me such lovely feedback. :hugs you:
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 06:00 am (UTC)WHY is this so damn funny to me? XD I couldn't help but giggle at this. its so honest and..there! XD
"...work out quadratic equations before I do.”
Oh boy, I immediatly thought of the time K9 beat 4 at chess. XD Quadratic equations..*shivers*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-20 04:02 am (UTC)It makes me very happy that you found the fic both LOL funny and also honest. I think that much of the humor in this comes with a cringe of sympathy as we all image what it must be like to want something very much and feel inadequate to the task of getting it. Thanks for sharing your reactions with me.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 06:00 am (UTC)Oh, I was merrily taking a break from listing all the movies I want to watch in the Miami Film Festival (more than ten, I see myself working overtime to pay for all those movie tickets for me and mah!) and I am looking though Time and Chips to skim through stories... and then I came upon this one. You cursed me into losing my place (on like the tenth page) and forgetting which movies I chose.... Hah... all better now.
Lovely fic, but can one expect anything less from you? Loved the way you flesh-out the characters, and place one in the story. How both of them are nervous about the direction their relationship is going, of course it is a precipice to what we all wish would happen.
And the alien libido is great to read about.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-21 02:08 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for calling it a "lovely fic" and saying that's what you expect from me. I am happy that you enjoyed the precipice. As I've said, I think that once I started imagining what the Doctor and Rose's life would be like AFTER they decide to be together...I couldn't resist dealing with some of the nervous tension that would come from that first night together. And...as you say...alien libido...always fun. ;->
Thanks for the lovely feedback. I do hope you enjoy the film festival. I love film festivals but never manage to see anywhere near the number of movies I want to see. I have no endurance.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 06:27 am (UTC)Poor Doctor...he's trying *so* hard to express what he needs so he can fully make love to Rose, not just go through the motions. I do love that you seriously contemplate the difficulties of sex between completely different species, and how they have to find ways to work through it.
It's interesting to compare the Doctor of "Disheveled" to this Doctor. In "Disheveled", yes, he loves Rose, but sex is kind of a big fun experiment at first - something to dive into, muck about with, explore and enjoy. But this Doctor knows that it means so much more...and wants so much more out of the act. Though in "Disheveled" they eventually found their way to that conclusion, here they already know the significance and import.
It seems that they both need a bit of mutual shoring up here. I'm sure that Rose can give the Doctor whatever he needs, but she needs to feel comfortable, too. They're getting there...recovering the intimacy that they once had. Getting to know each other again.
Of course, as I'm mulling the import of this major endeavor they are about to undertake...I can't help but think of the silly side of sex. It isn't supposed to be perfect and earth-shattering and all that romance novel nonsense. Whatever transpires between them will be important and wonderful and perfect (even if not technically so)...just because it's them, you know? It will always be right, because they love each other.
Some favorite quotes:
His hands told him they were lonely.
I just love the imagery and feeling that this evokes.
This was what home smelled like. It smelled like Rose.
“A place for my coat. My coat has a place.”
Awwww. *sniffle*
He wanted to mate with her. Wanted it with every cell of his uncooperative body.
Poor Doctor, he's just having a hard time. No pun intended. ;) But Rose is a smart woman and I think she's got the right idea now.
Post the next part sooooooon!!!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 07:25 am (UTC)It's just that he can't seem to get things started. And he'd hoped that she would help him out once he made it clear to her that he meant to stay and settle and such. He's adorable in this because he's using the handy "Human Relations For Dummies" guide to work on his moves. Mostly because...despite his "I've got the moves, but I wouldn't like to boast"...he's mostly had women and men coming on to him to such an extent that he had no trouble approximating interest.
Another thing that will come up is that he's relaxed after regeneration...not really mentally sound but relaxed enough so that Rose and the UNIT nurses and Grace all saw his sexual organ in a deflated state. And it is a phallus so it didn't really set any alarms off...but of course...a footprint doesn't look like a boot...and in action it will be a bit different.
This is a very important endeavor for both of them...Rose had assumed during their travels that she would just keep traveling with him. But the Doctor had to know that eventually they would have to settle...when Rose reached old age. And I think he didn't have as much of a problem with that as she thought he did. I think Rose simply acted lovingly and gave of herself rather than expecting him to change. This is not to say that he wouldn't have changed for her, though.
So, here she is...with something she never expected to have...the Doctor moving in. And it has to make her wonder how she'll handle having him shower and dress and snuggle up to her without the sexual part of the arrangement. It is all so very different for them both...but they do love one another...and I have every confidence they will work through this together.
Thanks for the feedback...I knew I wanted you to wait until it was ready.
Rae
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 06:51 am (UTC)I love how much thought you've put into Galifreyan customs and biology. Seriously, the attention to detail is phenomenal--the key dish and coat hooks, especially. And you have uncomfortable rambling!Ten down pat.
More soon? Um, and also, how is Disheveled coming?...No pressure, it's just that I really love that too.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-19 07:13 am (UTC)Thank you so much for suggesting I am made of awesome. :hee: I do like piling on the emotional turmoil and fancy prose. I'm happy when it comes off as detailed and engaging, because to start with it is generally a muddle of trite phrases and zig-zagging moods.
More soon, yes! And then back to Disheveled.
Rae