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rabid1stMINOTAUR
By Rabid1st
BSG – K/L with some K/A and L/D at the start
Spoilers: To Scar Promo S2.5
Rating: R
Beta Babes: Winter_Queen82, Lilith, Devilbunny
Summary: Kara loves Anders. Lee is depressed. Events unfold to make this all work out for Kara and Lee.
Disclaimer: I make no money with these little stories. I only make love. And also…Ron Moore apparently said it was okay to write fanfiction…not to ME personally, though. He never calls. He never writes. I’m, frankly, worried about the direction of our relationship.
PART ONE
This is how it is. One day you miss your shuttle. You take the next one and never make it home. One day you step into the street oblivious to the on-coming lorry. One day your ship disintegrates. You stop breathing and life goes on without you. They can bring you back. They can make your heart beat again. But they can’t make life wait for you. And while you are trying to catch your breath, everything, everyone but you moves on. Your best friend becomes a stranger and you have no one to trust. There’s no one to watch your back.
This is how it worked. One day you say the wrong thing. You push too hard and she doesn’t come back for more. She finds someone else, someone like her, cocky and confident. Tenderness comes easily for her, maybe for the first time in her life. That surprises you and other people, too. They stop to stare, amazed at the change in her. She loses all of her hesitation and throws herself into love and you feel the burn of loss in your chest. But you can’t stand still while life is flowing past. So you find someone like you, someone reasonable, a thinker. And you think you’re happy, reasonably content.
This is how it was now, Lee reminded himself, as he paused for a second to watch Kara slide into Sam Anders’ arms. She didn’t hold back from the embrace. Free of doubts, she smiled up at her lover, happy and content. Lee had never seen her so self-assured, not even with Zak. The girl with the grease-monkey hygiene, his lovable, perpetual screw-up, had vanished. A woman of rank and purpose had replaced her. Lee didn’t like it. It made him painfully aware of the fact that he hadn’t believed in her, not really. Or maybe he had believed. Maybe only wishful thinking had made him imagine, just for a little while, that she needed him.
Sam Anders combed his fingers into Kara’s hair as he cradled her face in his hands. A pilot stopped to chat with the young lovers. Something he said amused Kara and her laughter carried across the hanger bay. Lee drew back into the shadows, afraid the bright sound might sniff him out, find him lurking on the catwalk. His watch beeped a gentle reminder. He glanced down at it. Therapy in fifteen minutes, another round of pin the tail on his elusive unconscious. If they were going to make him walk the labyrinth someone should at least give him a ball of string.
Regretfully, he deserted his vigil, wondering at his sense of melancholy. Would it be worth his while to mention this in his session? Confession, admissions of guilt, didn’t suit him but, lately, he’d grown bored with the same old ground: his father, his brother and the pressures of command.
Funny how ‘the accident’ now meant his brush with death and not his brother’s full embrace of it. Zak never did things halfway. He never waited for time or talent or the favor of the Gods. He asked the girl to marry him. He pushed his way into the cockpit. And when it was time to leave life’s stage, he didn’t float aimlessly through space. Zak went down with his ship.
Lee shook his head, impatient with his self-pitying reflections. He had nothing to complain about. Nothing. He had his own command now. He had a sweet girl and a child on the way. Dee was everything he could hope for in a companion, beautiful and compliant. The kind of woman the commander of a Battlestar should have on his arm. True, his life was moving with such a dizzying swiftness it left him spinning mentally. But if he was standing on a lofty pinnacle with the world spread out at his feet did he have any right to whine about his childish fear of heights?
Do I deserve any of this? Does it mean anything? Did I earn it? Would I choose it? What is it I want from my life?
Questions hounded Lee’s path all the way to sickbay. The place was nearly empty when he arrived, not even a nurse on duty. He signed the logbook and took a seat in one of the hard plastic chairs Dr. Gail Irisi passed off as a waiting room. Back when there had been a true Colonial Fleet every new commander was given a four-month psych-evaluation. Therapy provided a safety valve as they adjusted to the pressure of their new responsibilities. Upon learning Pegasus had a mental counselor onboard Admiral Adama had reinstated the practice with a minimum of explanation. Not for the first time, Lee wondered if his father simply wanted him under clinical observation.
“Commander Adama,” Dr. Irisi greeted him as she bustled in. Instead of saluting, she waved him ahead of her toward her office. Lee didn’t comment on the lack of formality. The therapist wasn’t military. She’d been taken from a civilian transport ship. Lee stood and held the door for her, smiling a little at her disheveled appearance. “Sorry, I wasn’t here to meet you. I just got back from a visit to your old stomping grounds. And as soon as we are through here, I’m off to the prison ship for a week. One thing about the end of the world, it’s very good for business.”
“Helps to know I’m not the only whiner in the fleet,” Lee said, returning her rueful grin.
Dr. Irisi was a middle-aged, comfortable woman with a stocky build and an abundance of smile lines around her wide grey eyes. She had a solid presence, a core of resilience, which seemed unshakable. Lee, like most of her patients, felt he could say anything in his sessions and she would simply nod and murmur an encouraging ‘tell me more.’
He sat on her couch. It was quaint for a therapist to still use a couch. He perched at the edge of the seat cushion, elbows on his knees, hands clasped before him. The brass yachting clock on her desk chimed the hour. She pulled a recorder, pad and pen from her briefcase and then settled into a chair at an angle to him. After thumbing the recorder on, she placed it on the small table between them.
“You were telling me about your expected child?” She said. “Or perhaps unexpected is the more appropriate word?”
She didn’t glance at her notes before addressing him and Lee found that reassuring. It was good to be remembered. Her familiarity put him at ease. He slouched back, relaxing.
“I wasn’t careful. Simply assumed she would be. It was thoughtless of me, a mistake. But we are dealing with it.” He smiled tightly. “Dee’s a wonderful girl. On some level I think I wanted it to happen.”
“I see. Why do you say that?”
“Because I’m usually so…careful. I take the shot, religiously, on the eighteenth. But this one time…I forgot about the dates. Missed my booster. And I’d been thinking about children…recently.”
“So you were shooting live ammunition as it were?”
“I…uh…I hadn’t intended to start anything with Dee,” Lee said in a rush. He was silent for a moment then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “There was someone else. Someone I was thinking about…seeing…”
“Ah,” Dr. Irisi nodded as she jotted a note on her pad.
Lee sat a little straighter, trying to peer at what she’d written. “Is that a breakthrough?”
“Maybe. Maybe, I’m just reminding myself to pack a sweater for my visit to the Astral Queen,” Dr. Irisi said with her eyes on her notes. “Prison ships can be chilly.” She glanced up at Lee. “Does this feel like a breakthrough?”
Lee sighed, leaning back again. The couch fabric crunched under his weight. Eyes closed he said, “Kara. It’s about Kara.”
“Your brother’s fiancé? The one you slept with just before they were engaged?”
“Don’t be coy, doctor.” Lee snarled, eyes flashing as he opened them. “You know exactly who I mean. Captain Kara Thrace, the CAG for this ship. My best friend or enemy depending on the day of the week. Next to me, the greatest damned fighter pilot to ever live. That Kara! Yes. I wanted to…” He stopped talking not sure what he’d wanted.
“Start something?”
“Finish something maybe.”
“And you didn’t think you would need your booster shot for that?”
Lee shrugged. “I guess not.”
“I see.”
“Do you?” Lee murmured. “Mind telling me exactly what it is you’ve figured out?”
“That would be cheating, I’m afraid,” Dr. Irisi said. “But let me ask you this…what would you have done if you’d gotten Captain Thrace pregnant instead of the,” She flipped through her notes to quote him, “’absolutely perfect girl’ for you?”
“I don’t know,” Lee admitted. “It’s not what I had in mind, believe me. Kara’s not exactly the motherly type.”
“You think she would have taken care of things for you? Simply aborted the child?”
Dear Gods was it this again? Did he want Kara because she would never want a family? Was he that pathetically afraid of walking in his father’s footsteps?
Lee tried to imagine Starbuck six months along with child. It was hard to envision. Of course, she wouldn’t tolerate his seed. Would never give up what she wanted for him. She lived to fly. She would wash him away. Or would she? Did he really know what Kara would do? Had he been trying to find out? How truly pathetic was that…to use a child to gauge someone’s love for you?
“Kara is a fighter, like me, a viper pilot. The fleet needs her in the air not home knitting booties.” Lee stood. He paced to the door and back a few times as he went on justifying his behavior. “Children need nurturing and stability. They need parents who come home at night. Parents who want to come home.” He paused again, distracted by a flashback to his accident. After a moment, he added, “Kara and I can barely take care of ourselves.”
“Yet, you both present the outward appearance of competence. You command this ship. She commands your air group.”
“There’s more to life than shooting things out of the sky.” He took a breath, settled his nerves a bit and then said, “I’m talking about emotionally.”
“So, this is another thing you have in common with your brother’s fiancée. Neither of you wants children. Your careers are more important to you than family.”
“Nothing’s more important than family,” Lee muttered with his back turned to her. He shook his head. This was getting ridiculous. This line of thought led nowhere. He whipped around, stalked to the couch and dropped onto it. “Could you stop calling her Zak’s fiancée? Zak is dead. She’s moved on to the lowest rung of professional pyramid players. The question is why the hell didn’t I take the damned shot?”
“Why indeed?” Dr. Irisi said. She flipped through her notes again, waiting for Lee to continue. When he remained silent, she prompted him. “Do you want to talk about the other woman? The one you are having a child with?”
“Dee? What’s there to say? She’s perfect. I’m a lucky man. I know that. And I’m not trying to get out of my obligations. I just want to understand why I…” He broke off frustrated with the circling, contradictory thoughts banging around in his head. “Frak it all. I’m going to be a father. It doesn’t matter how it happened. What am I trying to do? Assign blame?”
“That’s an interesting conclusion. Who are you blaming?”
“Nobody. I just forgot the booster. It’s as simple as that. I’ve been a little busy with the constant reassignments. It’s a wonder I remember where my rack is half the time.”
“True. You’ve been under tremendous stress.”
“We all have,” Lee said dismissively.
“But all of us deal with it in different ways.”
“I run away.”
“So you’re blaming yourself?”
“I think that’s fairly well established. I screwed up and Dee’s paying the price. What else could this be about?”
“Maybe you blame Captain Thrace.”
“Come on, doctor, do you really think I’m that…pathetic? Did I want confirmation? Kara would make a lousy mother. I would make a lousy father. Somehow we deserve each other. So I tried to pull Kara into the gutter? Show she’s no better than me?”
“’Better’ is an interesting word. It’s like ‘perfect’ in a way.”
“Maybe she is better than me. My head tells me no. She’s a mess. She drinks and she brawls and she rushes into anything that looks like trouble. But I don’t know…I just don’t know…”
“You don’t know?”
‘Her. If she’d hate the child or love it. Get rid of it or keep it. My gut says one thing and my head says another. I just don’t know.”
“And how do you feel about it? About your expected child?”
Lee snorted, derisively as he gave a tiny shake of his head. He asked his gut, his heart and his head. Nothing stirred. He just didn’t know. His slight smile lacked any trace of humor.
“Look, with all due respect to your profession, Doctor, talking about this doesn’t change a damned thing. All of it happened for a reason. Kara has someone. Dee is going to have my baby. And I intend to stand by her. It’s the right thing to do and I might even enjoy it. Of course, I’ll love the baby. And I’ll love Dee, too. I can trust her. She’s a beautiful woman. I could do a lot worse. And she’ll make a great mother, patient and practical.”
“Perfect,” Dr. Irisi said with only the slightest twitch at the corner of her mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kara Thrace sighed and stretched. Gods, she felt wonderful. Ever since she’d found Sam again she’d been glowing with happiness. It was unbelievable intoxicating, this feeling. Better than ambrosia. It was like an ember burning in her gut, lighting her from within. Even the slight stomach ailment she’d picked up this week wasn’t enough to bring her mood down. She turned in the circle of her lover’s arms and kissed his nose.
“You should visit more often,” she purred.
“More than four times a week?” Sam laughed. “I think your boss hates me already.”
‘Okay,’ Kara mentally conceded, ‘there was something that could deflate her buoyant spirits: Lee Adama’
Lee stalked around Sam with all the caution of a cat investigating a suspicious noise. But he didn’t appear to hate him. He was acting like her elder brother, testing the newcomer. Maybe he was looking for a reason to pounce.
“He doesn’t hate you. He barely knows you. I’m the one he doesn’t trust.”
“Why wouldn’t he trust you? I thought you were friends.”
“We are,” Kara insisted. “But he doesn’t always respect my judgment.”
“Doesn’t sound like much of a pal to me.”
Kara shrugged, staring over his shoulder at the bedside clock. “He’s got his reasons,” she muttered. She didn’t really want to talk about Lee. Sam followed her gaze as he followed her lead on this subject.
“Hey, if he’s okay by you…he’s okay by me. I invited him to play a friendly game of pick-up pyramid later today. Maybe it’ll break the ice.”
Kara sat up a little, looking askance. “Is that a good idea?”
“Sure. Why not? I’ll hold back. Let him win a few points. We’ll be buddies before you know it.”
Kara puffed a humorless laugh. They were never going to be buddies. And Sam shouldn’t hold back. What Lee lacked in reach, experience, and talent for the game he could probably make up in brawn and ferocity. There was a good chance he could win a few points even if Sam played full out. There was an even better chance the ‘friendly’ pick-up game would break out in a brawl long before it broke through Lee Adama’s icy shield. Kara considered telling Sam to be careful. But she didn’t want to explain about Lee. Didn’t think she could explain.
What could she say? Lee doesn’t play fair. Or nice. He’ll hit you hard if let your guard down. Nothing she might say would help maintain the fiction that she and Lee were friends.
She thought about the crack of her palm against Lee’s cheek and remembered the way his rebuttal kick targeted her bum knee. Fireworks had bloomed painfully behind her eyelids when her head bounced off the hard metal floor. They’d gone down together, as low as they could go, flesh on flesh, fingers tearing at clothing and the sobering weight of him pressing against her, into her. She recalled Lee’s mouth, spilling venomous words before claiming hers. She never wanted to see him in that much pain again.
The memory was so bitter she kissed Sam Anders to drive it from her mind. Sam tasted fresh and sweet. He reminded her of all she could be, all that was still possible in this life.
“Mmm,” he hummed, the sound tickling her lips. She pulled back and Sam, his eyes brimming with suppressed laughter, asked, “What did I do to deserve that?”
Kara spilled over him, smiling as she draped her body along his. “You made me happy.”
They had just started making love when the com buzzed. Kara groaned at the interruption. She had to take the call. Officially, she was still on duty. Pushing away from Sam’s chest she swiveled, dropping her feet to the floor. She started to stand but an immediate swirl of vertigo sat her down again. Sam grabbed her arm, stabilizing her before she could slide off the edge of the bed.
“Whoa, hold on. You okay?”
“I…oh, frak…”
Kara’s hand went to her spinning head but dropped almost immediately to her mouth as her stomach did a swift roll and dip. Staggering to her feet, she dashed for the tiny bathroom but didn’t quite make it to the toilet. Slime filled her palm. She reached the refuge of the sink, and bent over it, retching. In the main room, Sam answered the relentlessly chiming com. As she rinsed her hand and then her mouth, Kara strained to hear what he was saying but couldn’t make out his words. She hoped it wasn’t a call to duty. After patting her face dry, she stared at her gaunt features in the mirror. There were dark circles around her eyes and her nose was bright red.
‘So much for the glow of happiness,’ Kara thought. She looked like death on a bad-hair day. Sam’s face appeared in the mirror next to hers. He was standing in the doorway, looking stunned.
“That was the med lab,” he said, pointing over his left shoulder toward the comlink. “You said it was okay to give me your test results?”
“I thought you might stay the night,” Kara explained. “Be here when I did CAP. Don’t tell me…it’s a virus. I need to be quarantined?” She turned to face him with a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, Sam. I really thought it was just food poisoning.”
“I…no…it’s…I mean, you’re not sick. You’re…”
“What? Dying?” She thought it couldn’t be that, despite her inability to keep down spit, but Sam seemed so stricken.
“Pregnant,” he whispered.
His line of sight slid to her belly and Kara glancing down saw she’d settled a protective hand there. It took her a second or two to realize he was kidding. Then, she laughed and turned back to the sink, to the merciless mirror.
“Very funny.”
“I’m not joking. They said you were pregnant.”
“I’m not. Can’t happen. I’m on the juice.”
“It’s not one hundred percent,” Sam said. “Nothing is.” His voice sounded hollow and his reflection didn’t seem to have a sense of humor.
“I’m not pregnant, Sam. It’s a lab mix up. I’ll straighten them out as soon as I feel a little better.”
“I hate to ask this but…” His sentence trailed off into a breathy sigh. Inhaling sharply, he regrouped. “If it’s mine, you know I’ll be happy. So happy I’ll shout the news up and down the halls. But…and you don’t have to tell me…obviously…but…if there’s someone else…”
A frisson of fear raised the hairs on Kara’s arms but she pushed the apprehension away. She was sure about one thing. “There’s no one else.” She turned to face him. The small area crowded them both as she drew a hand along his cheek and repeated her reassurance. “No one. But let’s be serious. You’ve only been here three weeks. I just cycled on the 22nd of…”
The date flashed in her mind. With an apologetic twist of her features, she pushed by Sam and went to the bedside for her watch. Glancing at the date, she puckered her lips. Days had slipped by her. She’d paid particular attention to her last cycle, counting off the minutes until the first sign of blood. There hadn’t been much. There never was when she cycled. But she’d spent three agonizing days waiting for a sign. It had come late. But it had come. Had it really been five weeks ago? If so, she was late again. Still, that wasn’t cause for alarm. Ever since her Cylon surgery she’d been irregular. And five weeks was better than eight.
Eight weeks would be very, very bad.
“I’ll call in sick and go straight to the med lab. They can run the tests again or do an ultrasound. Find out for sure.” She kissed him. Let him enfold her in his comforting embrace. “But I’m not pregnant.”
“So, don’t get my hopes up?”
“Or worry,” Kara grinned. “Whichever.”
Sam pushed her gently away until he could look into her eyes. “Are you worried?” He asked.
Kara considered the question. Everything had changed, not just for her but also for all of humanity. There were so few people left. Every new life felt like a beacon of hope. Just like everyone else, she needed to reexamine her choices. She’d never wanted children. She’d always been afraid of what she might become. But that was before Sam Anders, before she’d learned to live for something. Maybe together they could do this.
“I’m not worried,” she told him. “I’m just not sure this is the right time. What do you think?”
“I want it,” he said. “Until the nurse said it, I didn’t realize how much I wanted it. But I want it almost as much as I want you.” Kara flinched and he immediately soothed her, brushing a hand over her hair. “I’m not forcing it on you. It’s your decision and I know you have your career and…if you don’t think this is the right time…if you need some space…”
Kara swallowed hard, ducking her head to avoid the raw emotion in Sam Anders’ gaze. Suddenly hot and slightly giddy, she didn’t know what she wanted. Anything seemed possible. This was what it felt like to be normal, to have hope and a future ahead of her. They were talking about children. A tiny voice in the center of her being told her it was far too soon to be having this conversation. She did need time and space.
The voice sounded suspiciously like Lee Adama. She kicked a mental door closed on it, shutting off the doubt.
She couldn’t possibly be pregnant.
END THIS PART
By Rabid1st
BSG – K/L with some K/A and L/D at the start
Spoilers: To Scar Promo S2.5
Rating: R
Beta Babes: Winter_Queen82, Lilith, Devilbunny
Summary: Kara loves Anders. Lee is depressed. Events unfold to make this all work out for Kara and Lee.
Disclaimer: I make no money with these little stories. I only make love. And also…Ron Moore apparently said it was okay to write fanfiction…not to ME personally, though. He never calls. He never writes. I’m, frankly, worried about the direction of our relationship.
PART ONE
This is how it is. One day you miss your shuttle. You take the next one and never make it home. One day you step into the street oblivious to the on-coming lorry. One day your ship disintegrates. You stop breathing and life goes on without you. They can bring you back. They can make your heart beat again. But they can’t make life wait for you. And while you are trying to catch your breath, everything, everyone but you moves on. Your best friend becomes a stranger and you have no one to trust. There’s no one to watch your back.
This is how it worked. One day you say the wrong thing. You push too hard and she doesn’t come back for more. She finds someone else, someone like her, cocky and confident. Tenderness comes easily for her, maybe for the first time in her life. That surprises you and other people, too. They stop to stare, amazed at the change in her. She loses all of her hesitation and throws herself into love and you feel the burn of loss in your chest. But you can’t stand still while life is flowing past. So you find someone like you, someone reasonable, a thinker. And you think you’re happy, reasonably content.
This is how it was now, Lee reminded himself, as he paused for a second to watch Kara slide into Sam Anders’ arms. She didn’t hold back from the embrace. Free of doubts, she smiled up at her lover, happy and content. Lee had never seen her so self-assured, not even with Zak. The girl with the grease-monkey hygiene, his lovable, perpetual screw-up, had vanished. A woman of rank and purpose had replaced her. Lee didn’t like it. It made him painfully aware of the fact that he hadn’t believed in her, not really. Or maybe he had believed. Maybe only wishful thinking had made him imagine, just for a little while, that she needed him.
Sam Anders combed his fingers into Kara’s hair as he cradled her face in his hands. A pilot stopped to chat with the young lovers. Something he said amused Kara and her laughter carried across the hanger bay. Lee drew back into the shadows, afraid the bright sound might sniff him out, find him lurking on the catwalk. His watch beeped a gentle reminder. He glanced down at it. Therapy in fifteen minutes, another round of pin the tail on his elusive unconscious. If they were going to make him walk the labyrinth someone should at least give him a ball of string.
Regretfully, he deserted his vigil, wondering at his sense of melancholy. Would it be worth his while to mention this in his session? Confession, admissions of guilt, didn’t suit him but, lately, he’d grown bored with the same old ground: his father, his brother and the pressures of command.
Funny how ‘the accident’ now meant his brush with death and not his brother’s full embrace of it. Zak never did things halfway. He never waited for time or talent or the favor of the Gods. He asked the girl to marry him. He pushed his way into the cockpit. And when it was time to leave life’s stage, he didn’t float aimlessly through space. Zak went down with his ship.
Lee shook his head, impatient with his self-pitying reflections. He had nothing to complain about. Nothing. He had his own command now. He had a sweet girl and a child on the way. Dee was everything he could hope for in a companion, beautiful and compliant. The kind of woman the commander of a Battlestar should have on his arm. True, his life was moving with such a dizzying swiftness it left him spinning mentally. But if he was standing on a lofty pinnacle with the world spread out at his feet did he have any right to whine about his childish fear of heights?
Do I deserve any of this? Does it mean anything? Did I earn it? Would I choose it? What is it I want from my life?
Questions hounded Lee’s path all the way to sickbay. The place was nearly empty when he arrived, not even a nurse on duty. He signed the logbook and took a seat in one of the hard plastic chairs Dr. Gail Irisi passed off as a waiting room. Back when there had been a true Colonial Fleet every new commander was given a four-month psych-evaluation. Therapy provided a safety valve as they adjusted to the pressure of their new responsibilities. Upon learning Pegasus had a mental counselor onboard Admiral Adama had reinstated the practice with a minimum of explanation. Not for the first time, Lee wondered if his father simply wanted him under clinical observation.
“Commander Adama,” Dr. Irisi greeted him as she bustled in. Instead of saluting, she waved him ahead of her toward her office. Lee didn’t comment on the lack of formality. The therapist wasn’t military. She’d been taken from a civilian transport ship. Lee stood and held the door for her, smiling a little at her disheveled appearance. “Sorry, I wasn’t here to meet you. I just got back from a visit to your old stomping grounds. And as soon as we are through here, I’m off to the prison ship for a week. One thing about the end of the world, it’s very good for business.”
“Helps to know I’m not the only whiner in the fleet,” Lee said, returning her rueful grin.
Dr. Irisi was a middle-aged, comfortable woman with a stocky build and an abundance of smile lines around her wide grey eyes. She had a solid presence, a core of resilience, which seemed unshakable. Lee, like most of her patients, felt he could say anything in his sessions and she would simply nod and murmur an encouraging ‘tell me more.’
He sat on her couch. It was quaint for a therapist to still use a couch. He perched at the edge of the seat cushion, elbows on his knees, hands clasped before him. The brass yachting clock on her desk chimed the hour. She pulled a recorder, pad and pen from her briefcase and then settled into a chair at an angle to him. After thumbing the recorder on, she placed it on the small table between them.
“You were telling me about your expected child?” She said. “Or perhaps unexpected is the more appropriate word?”
She didn’t glance at her notes before addressing him and Lee found that reassuring. It was good to be remembered. Her familiarity put him at ease. He slouched back, relaxing.
“I wasn’t careful. Simply assumed she would be. It was thoughtless of me, a mistake. But we are dealing with it.” He smiled tightly. “Dee’s a wonderful girl. On some level I think I wanted it to happen.”
“I see. Why do you say that?”
“Because I’m usually so…careful. I take the shot, religiously, on the eighteenth. But this one time…I forgot about the dates. Missed my booster. And I’d been thinking about children…recently.”
“So you were shooting live ammunition as it were?”
“I…uh…I hadn’t intended to start anything with Dee,” Lee said in a rush. He was silent for a moment then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “There was someone else. Someone I was thinking about…seeing…”
“Ah,” Dr. Irisi nodded as she jotted a note on her pad.
Lee sat a little straighter, trying to peer at what she’d written. “Is that a breakthrough?”
“Maybe. Maybe, I’m just reminding myself to pack a sweater for my visit to the Astral Queen,” Dr. Irisi said with her eyes on her notes. “Prison ships can be chilly.” She glanced up at Lee. “Does this feel like a breakthrough?”
Lee sighed, leaning back again. The couch fabric crunched under his weight. Eyes closed he said, “Kara. It’s about Kara.”
“Your brother’s fiancé? The one you slept with just before they were engaged?”
“Don’t be coy, doctor.” Lee snarled, eyes flashing as he opened them. “You know exactly who I mean. Captain Kara Thrace, the CAG for this ship. My best friend or enemy depending on the day of the week. Next to me, the greatest damned fighter pilot to ever live. That Kara! Yes. I wanted to…” He stopped talking not sure what he’d wanted.
“Start something?”
“Finish something maybe.”
“And you didn’t think you would need your booster shot for that?”
Lee shrugged. “I guess not.”
“I see.”
“Do you?” Lee murmured. “Mind telling me exactly what it is you’ve figured out?”
“That would be cheating, I’m afraid,” Dr. Irisi said. “But let me ask you this…what would you have done if you’d gotten Captain Thrace pregnant instead of the,” She flipped through her notes to quote him, “’absolutely perfect girl’ for you?”
“I don’t know,” Lee admitted. “It’s not what I had in mind, believe me. Kara’s not exactly the motherly type.”
“You think she would have taken care of things for you? Simply aborted the child?”
Dear Gods was it this again? Did he want Kara because she would never want a family? Was he that pathetically afraid of walking in his father’s footsteps?
Lee tried to imagine Starbuck six months along with child. It was hard to envision. Of course, she wouldn’t tolerate his seed. Would never give up what she wanted for him. She lived to fly. She would wash him away. Or would she? Did he really know what Kara would do? Had he been trying to find out? How truly pathetic was that…to use a child to gauge someone’s love for you?
“Kara is a fighter, like me, a viper pilot. The fleet needs her in the air not home knitting booties.” Lee stood. He paced to the door and back a few times as he went on justifying his behavior. “Children need nurturing and stability. They need parents who come home at night. Parents who want to come home.” He paused again, distracted by a flashback to his accident. After a moment, he added, “Kara and I can barely take care of ourselves.”
“Yet, you both present the outward appearance of competence. You command this ship. She commands your air group.”
“There’s more to life than shooting things out of the sky.” He took a breath, settled his nerves a bit and then said, “I’m talking about emotionally.”
“So, this is another thing you have in common with your brother’s fiancée. Neither of you wants children. Your careers are more important to you than family.”
“Nothing’s more important than family,” Lee muttered with his back turned to her. He shook his head. This was getting ridiculous. This line of thought led nowhere. He whipped around, stalked to the couch and dropped onto it. “Could you stop calling her Zak’s fiancée? Zak is dead. She’s moved on to the lowest rung of professional pyramid players. The question is why the hell didn’t I take the damned shot?”
“Why indeed?” Dr. Irisi said. She flipped through her notes again, waiting for Lee to continue. When he remained silent, she prompted him. “Do you want to talk about the other woman? The one you are having a child with?”
“Dee? What’s there to say? She’s perfect. I’m a lucky man. I know that. And I’m not trying to get out of my obligations. I just want to understand why I…” He broke off frustrated with the circling, contradictory thoughts banging around in his head. “Frak it all. I’m going to be a father. It doesn’t matter how it happened. What am I trying to do? Assign blame?”
“That’s an interesting conclusion. Who are you blaming?”
“Nobody. I just forgot the booster. It’s as simple as that. I’ve been a little busy with the constant reassignments. It’s a wonder I remember where my rack is half the time.”
“True. You’ve been under tremendous stress.”
“We all have,” Lee said dismissively.
“But all of us deal with it in different ways.”
“I run away.”
“So you’re blaming yourself?”
“I think that’s fairly well established. I screwed up and Dee’s paying the price. What else could this be about?”
“Maybe you blame Captain Thrace.”
“Come on, doctor, do you really think I’m that…pathetic? Did I want confirmation? Kara would make a lousy mother. I would make a lousy father. Somehow we deserve each other. So I tried to pull Kara into the gutter? Show she’s no better than me?”
“’Better’ is an interesting word. It’s like ‘perfect’ in a way.”
“Maybe she is better than me. My head tells me no. She’s a mess. She drinks and she brawls and she rushes into anything that looks like trouble. But I don’t know…I just don’t know…”
“You don’t know?”
‘Her. If she’d hate the child or love it. Get rid of it or keep it. My gut says one thing and my head says another. I just don’t know.”
“And how do you feel about it? About your expected child?”
Lee snorted, derisively as he gave a tiny shake of his head. He asked his gut, his heart and his head. Nothing stirred. He just didn’t know. His slight smile lacked any trace of humor.
“Look, with all due respect to your profession, Doctor, talking about this doesn’t change a damned thing. All of it happened for a reason. Kara has someone. Dee is going to have my baby. And I intend to stand by her. It’s the right thing to do and I might even enjoy it. Of course, I’ll love the baby. And I’ll love Dee, too. I can trust her. She’s a beautiful woman. I could do a lot worse. And she’ll make a great mother, patient and practical.”
“Perfect,” Dr. Irisi said with only the slightest twitch at the corner of her mouth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kara Thrace sighed and stretched. Gods, she felt wonderful. Ever since she’d found Sam again she’d been glowing with happiness. It was unbelievable intoxicating, this feeling. Better than ambrosia. It was like an ember burning in her gut, lighting her from within. Even the slight stomach ailment she’d picked up this week wasn’t enough to bring her mood down. She turned in the circle of her lover’s arms and kissed his nose.
“You should visit more often,” she purred.
“More than four times a week?” Sam laughed. “I think your boss hates me already.”
‘Okay,’ Kara mentally conceded, ‘there was something that could deflate her buoyant spirits: Lee Adama’
Lee stalked around Sam with all the caution of a cat investigating a suspicious noise. But he didn’t appear to hate him. He was acting like her elder brother, testing the newcomer. Maybe he was looking for a reason to pounce.
“He doesn’t hate you. He barely knows you. I’m the one he doesn’t trust.”
“Why wouldn’t he trust you? I thought you were friends.”
“We are,” Kara insisted. “But he doesn’t always respect my judgment.”
“Doesn’t sound like much of a pal to me.”
Kara shrugged, staring over his shoulder at the bedside clock. “He’s got his reasons,” she muttered. She didn’t really want to talk about Lee. Sam followed her gaze as he followed her lead on this subject.
“Hey, if he’s okay by you…he’s okay by me. I invited him to play a friendly game of pick-up pyramid later today. Maybe it’ll break the ice.”
Kara sat up a little, looking askance. “Is that a good idea?”
“Sure. Why not? I’ll hold back. Let him win a few points. We’ll be buddies before you know it.”
Kara puffed a humorless laugh. They were never going to be buddies. And Sam shouldn’t hold back. What Lee lacked in reach, experience, and talent for the game he could probably make up in brawn and ferocity. There was a good chance he could win a few points even if Sam played full out. There was an even better chance the ‘friendly’ pick-up game would break out in a brawl long before it broke through Lee Adama’s icy shield. Kara considered telling Sam to be careful. But she didn’t want to explain about Lee. Didn’t think she could explain.
What could she say? Lee doesn’t play fair. Or nice. He’ll hit you hard if let your guard down. Nothing she might say would help maintain the fiction that she and Lee were friends.
She thought about the crack of her palm against Lee’s cheek and remembered the way his rebuttal kick targeted her bum knee. Fireworks had bloomed painfully behind her eyelids when her head bounced off the hard metal floor. They’d gone down together, as low as they could go, flesh on flesh, fingers tearing at clothing and the sobering weight of him pressing against her, into her. She recalled Lee’s mouth, spilling venomous words before claiming hers. She never wanted to see him in that much pain again.
The memory was so bitter she kissed Sam Anders to drive it from her mind. Sam tasted fresh and sweet. He reminded her of all she could be, all that was still possible in this life.
“Mmm,” he hummed, the sound tickling her lips. She pulled back and Sam, his eyes brimming with suppressed laughter, asked, “What did I do to deserve that?”
Kara spilled over him, smiling as she draped her body along his. “You made me happy.”
They had just started making love when the com buzzed. Kara groaned at the interruption. She had to take the call. Officially, she was still on duty. Pushing away from Sam’s chest she swiveled, dropping her feet to the floor. She started to stand but an immediate swirl of vertigo sat her down again. Sam grabbed her arm, stabilizing her before she could slide off the edge of the bed.
“Whoa, hold on. You okay?”
“I…oh, frak…”
Kara’s hand went to her spinning head but dropped almost immediately to her mouth as her stomach did a swift roll and dip. Staggering to her feet, she dashed for the tiny bathroom but didn’t quite make it to the toilet. Slime filled her palm. She reached the refuge of the sink, and bent over it, retching. In the main room, Sam answered the relentlessly chiming com. As she rinsed her hand and then her mouth, Kara strained to hear what he was saying but couldn’t make out his words. She hoped it wasn’t a call to duty. After patting her face dry, she stared at her gaunt features in the mirror. There were dark circles around her eyes and her nose was bright red.
‘So much for the glow of happiness,’ Kara thought. She looked like death on a bad-hair day. Sam’s face appeared in the mirror next to hers. He was standing in the doorway, looking stunned.
“That was the med lab,” he said, pointing over his left shoulder toward the comlink. “You said it was okay to give me your test results?”
“I thought you might stay the night,” Kara explained. “Be here when I did CAP. Don’t tell me…it’s a virus. I need to be quarantined?” She turned to face him with a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, Sam. I really thought it was just food poisoning.”
“I…no…it’s…I mean, you’re not sick. You’re…”
“What? Dying?” She thought it couldn’t be that, despite her inability to keep down spit, but Sam seemed so stricken.
“Pregnant,” he whispered.
His line of sight slid to her belly and Kara glancing down saw she’d settled a protective hand there. It took her a second or two to realize he was kidding. Then, she laughed and turned back to the sink, to the merciless mirror.
“Very funny.”
“I’m not joking. They said you were pregnant.”
“I’m not. Can’t happen. I’m on the juice.”
“It’s not one hundred percent,” Sam said. “Nothing is.” His voice sounded hollow and his reflection didn’t seem to have a sense of humor.
“I’m not pregnant, Sam. It’s a lab mix up. I’ll straighten them out as soon as I feel a little better.”
“I hate to ask this but…” His sentence trailed off into a breathy sigh. Inhaling sharply, he regrouped. “If it’s mine, you know I’ll be happy. So happy I’ll shout the news up and down the halls. But…and you don’t have to tell me…obviously…but…if there’s someone else…”
A frisson of fear raised the hairs on Kara’s arms but she pushed the apprehension away. She was sure about one thing. “There’s no one else.” She turned to face him. The small area crowded them both as she drew a hand along his cheek and repeated her reassurance. “No one. But let’s be serious. You’ve only been here three weeks. I just cycled on the 22nd of…”
The date flashed in her mind. With an apologetic twist of her features, she pushed by Sam and went to the bedside for her watch. Glancing at the date, she puckered her lips. Days had slipped by her. She’d paid particular attention to her last cycle, counting off the minutes until the first sign of blood. There hadn’t been much. There never was when she cycled. But she’d spent three agonizing days waiting for a sign. It had come late. But it had come. Had it really been five weeks ago? If so, she was late again. Still, that wasn’t cause for alarm. Ever since her Cylon surgery she’d been irregular. And five weeks was better than eight.
Eight weeks would be very, very bad.
“I’ll call in sick and go straight to the med lab. They can run the tests again or do an ultrasound. Find out for sure.” She kissed him. Let him enfold her in his comforting embrace. “But I’m not pregnant.”
“So, don’t get my hopes up?”
“Or worry,” Kara grinned. “Whichever.”
Sam pushed her gently away until he could look into her eyes. “Are you worried?” He asked.
Kara considered the question. Everything had changed, not just for her but also for all of humanity. There were so few people left. Every new life felt like a beacon of hope. Just like everyone else, she needed to reexamine her choices. She’d never wanted children. She’d always been afraid of what she might become. But that was before Sam Anders, before she’d learned to live for something. Maybe together they could do this.
“I’m not worried,” she told him. “I’m just not sure this is the right time. What do you think?”
“I want it,” he said. “Until the nurse said it, I didn’t realize how much I wanted it. But I want it almost as much as I want you.” Kara flinched and he immediately soothed her, brushing a hand over her hair. “I’m not forcing it on you. It’s your decision and I know you have your career and…if you don’t think this is the right time…if you need some space…”
Kara swallowed hard, ducking her head to avoid the raw emotion in Sam Anders’ gaze. Suddenly hot and slightly giddy, she didn’t know what she wanted. Anything seemed possible. This was what it felt like to be normal, to have hope and a future ahead of her. They were talking about children. A tiny voice in the center of her being told her it was far too soon to be having this conversation. She did need time and space.
The voice sounded suspiciously like Lee Adama. She kicked a mental door closed on it, shutting off the doubt.
She couldn’t possibly be pregnant.
END THIS PART